A True Girl of the West. by SMU Central University Libraries, Cornish, George Bancroft, 1906
Part Of: 101 Ranch and Burroum Ranch, Del Rio, Texas

You Sexy Thing

At the end of my travels from South Carolina to DC, after the Amtrak sleeper car, baggage claim at Union Station, the transfer between train lines at Metro Center, right before the doors opened at the end of line, as I was standing up positioning my baggage so I could leave the train, a man rushed up to me.  With sweetness and urgency he said, "Have a wonderful New Year and enjoy your trip!"

I looked at him and said, "Oh, thanks. You too."

Then I started thinking, this is really weird.  My seat was at the end of the car, past the door, so there was no reason for him to have come over there. When the train stopped and the doors opened, he sat down a few seats away.

Why isn't he getting off the train? Is he a MWATA employee?  They really aren't that nice and besides he's wearing a Redskins hat.  Oh, is he getting so close to me so he can take my bag? Then why is he staring and smiling?  So I walked on past him and as I was almost out the door, I heard, "You sexy thing."

Are you talking to me?? For real??

Maybe he said "You forgot your ring" or  "You saw your sling."

This noteworthy because this sort of thing is happening quite a bit.  I have lost 5 pounds. I look pretty decent when I wear my hair down and I've got something reasonably flattering on. Not bragging, but I do get some looks.

It is also noteworthy because I could have taken care of the pesky virginity issue this afternoon if I heard him correctly, and I didn't mind the tight quarters of a bathroom stall. Eww. No way.  It will have to be a good guy friend that I respect and trust, and who respects and cares for me as well. It doesn't have to be love at all, but it has to be something.

Anyway, I kinda like not feeling so invisible.

Girl by river by SMU Central University Libraries Creator: Scott, Winfield Date: ca. 1895-1910
Part Of: Thomas Hudson Thatcher collection of Mexico and Texas photographs

Thoughts on South Carolina

#1
It's funny how things stick with you. I'm staying with my aunt and uncle while in South Carolina visiting family. This is a kind house, everyone here is kind. But on the first day when I heard my uncle talking loudly in the other room, my first split second response was fear. I wanted to lock the door to the bedroom. Of course I'm not a prisoner to my instinctual response, so I'm absolutely fine now, but I realized deep down I carry this protective behavior with me.

#2
Woke up this morning with a smile on my face feeling happy to be here visiting family. Well there was that alternating with the desire that someone would lay behind me and put three fingers inside of me. Cock may go deep but fingers go wide, and I wanted wide. (I've never actually had a real live cock, only many many dildos. Maybe one day. Sigh.)

#3
My grandmother's back yard is a wonderland of tall azalea bushes, taller camellia bushes and even taller pine trees. As the adults were getting food ready and the kids were running around the yard, I used an old carving knife to gather some of the pretty flowers into a bouquet for the table.

#4
Many of my South Carolina family members are racist.  My kind Uncle D had a job a few years back at an auto supply store. While I was up there, the explained he had to quit because he "Couldn't stand the niggers." By his definition, these would be black people who ordered the wrong parts for their car and got upset when the parts didn't work. My cousin S has a concealed weapon permit.  She brought her loaded pistol with her to pick me up at the train station because it was located in a bad neighborhood. Fair enough, but both cousin S and cousin B commented on the "commuters" getting off the train, assuming that they would take advantage of me or of my aunt and uncle if they had come to pick me up. The only thing they had in common was that they all looked tired.  Only a handful of them were white. One lady had her hair in curlers. That cracked me up a little, but whatever, she was on the train not a Paris runway.

In my twenties, I would have challenged everything they said. I challenged anything anyone said that I didn't agree with.  This also meant I felt aggrieved much of the time. Now I don't have the energy, and I don't feel the need to fight every battle every time. My jaw dropped when my Uncle said the N word.  I wasn't really surprised by what my cousins said at the train station.  I suppose for them the presence of a black person = potential criminal. If I thought that way I'd never leave my house because I'd be surrounded by CRIMINALS! So it's weird.  I love these people and, aside from my mom and brother, they are the only family I have. I disagree with much of their worldview. Oh well.

Tehuana in baile costume by SMU Central University Libraries

Elementary Eleemosynary

I encountered a new word today.  It is so odd looking: eleemosynary - of, relating to, or supported by charity. According to Merriam Webster, it comes from the Medieval Latin eleemosynarius, from Late Latin eleemosyna  meaning alms. First Known Use: circa 1616. 

I found it is a description of county council legislation to provide preferential zoning criteria for charitable organizations. 

Raising Xmas fund for Salvation Army (LOC) by The Library of Congress, on Flickr

The "Lone Star" Belle by SMU Central University Libraries

Citizen Science: The Zooniverse!!!!

Zooniverse is one of my absolute favorite websites- a citizen scientist's paradise. I don't think I'm so good at analyzing cancer cells, determining the diameter of a cyclone's eye, determining the shape of galaxies imaged by the Hubble Telescope, or spotting solar flares. I also get frustrated categorizing bat and whale vocalizations. I've tried, and I can't even tell what I'm seeing or hearing. More power to those who can.

I'll write soon about four projects that I love involving WWI British Navy weather logs, sea life, pictures of the Serengeti, and ancient Greek papyrus fragments. At the office instead of playing spider solitaire and 3d mah jongg exclusively, I work on these when I need a break from my spreadsheets. I use my brainpower for good while seeing interesting artifacts and amazing animals.

Citizen Scientists: BOINC

For a almost a decade now I've had BOINC on my computer, allowing it to analyze data while I'm not using my computer. The program takes care of the download and upload itself.  All I have to do is provide parameters for its use of of the internet.  From their website:

Use the idle time on your computer (Windows, Mac, or Linux) to cure diseases, study global warming, discover pulsars, and do many other types of scientific research. It's safe, secure, and easy. 

After a minute and a half of inactivity, BOINC runs data from one of the four projects I've selected. From their websites:

Climateprediction.net runs climate models to forecast changes in climate

SETI@home is a scientific experiment that uses Internet-connected computers in the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI). You can participate by running a free program that downloads and analyzes radio telescope data.

The malariacontrol.net project is an application that makes use of network computing for stochastic modelling of the clinical epidemiology and natural history of Plasmodium falciparum malaria.

Rosetta@home needs your help to determine the 3-dimensional shapes of proteins in research that may ultimately lead to finding cures for some major human diseases. By running the Rosetta program on your computer while you don't need it you will help us speed up and extend our research in ways we couldn't possibly attempt without your help. You will also be helping our efforts at designing new proteins to fight diseases such as HIV, Malaria, Cancer, and Alzheimer's.

There are so many other projects involving quantum physics, astronomy, medical research,  ecosystem studies, and mathematics.  I'd love to add them all but I'd never be able to get the assignments back on time. This is a great way to use electricity and computing power that would otherwise be wasted to benefit society.  It makes me a little warm and fuzzy.

Voluntary Chronic Sleep Deprivation

My mom was up for a visit this week. The week before that was the Week From Hell.  My dog had major surgery necessitating a 3 night hospital stay, and my car required two visits to the shop. Coordinating rides from the garage to my office and back was an inconvenience, but nothing I couldn't handle.  Likewise with the dog, it was stressful knowing he was there, but he was having surgery not me.  I could handle it. Even the two of these things combined like they were was fine. Stressful but not unmanageable.

What made the week so bad was that atop the flame of stressful events, I added the potent fuel of exhaustion. Then it spiraled out of control.

Backstory: I've been living this way for at least 3 years. Burning during the week- staying up too late for no good reason -  then crashing on the weekends - sleeping most of Saturday and Sunday to make up for it. I'll stay up to watch something stupid like Grey's Anatomy, a show I could easily get from Netflix and watch on my own schedule. But Netflix isn't some kind of savior. I'll stay up watching 4 episodes of Dexter on a weeknight.  Sometimes I'll shower and lay in bed with a magazine in front of me, too tired to make sense of the words I'm reading. Yet I stay up staring at the magazine. During the day I'm not as alert and productive as I could be. Household chores and social occasions are routinely overlooked on the weekends because I just need more fucking sleep. I lose much needed social connection and feel bad about not keeping up my house.  It's a big nasty negative vortex.

Why?  Oh, there are reasons. Lots of them, but at this point I don't give a shit.  It's a lack of willpower and discipline. It stops tonight.  The tv is now on a vacation timer so it will shut off every night at 9pm. At 9pm, no matter what I'm doing, it's upstairs to shower and relax before bed. Lights out at 10pm. 10-7 will get me my 9 hours.

That will be the slogan for this effort: 9pm for my 9 hours!

This is the one thing I am going to get right, starting right now. Breaking these habits will be tough. If there is anyone out there reading this, please send me some get-on-a-schedule thoughts of goodwill.

Man with long beard by SMU Central University Libraries

The cow-boy girl by SMU Central University Libraries

Mr. H Surgery #2

Mr. H's second surgery for re-excision of the scar and reconstruction is scheduled for the 27th. His surgeon taught small animal surgery at Purdue University for 5 years before coming to the animal hospital. I was impressed with her and the way she described the operation to me; I trust Mr. H will be in good hands.

During surgery, Dr. A will remove the scar tissue and get better margins on the sides.  For the lower portion that did not have a clean margin, she will go in much deeper and take out what she thinks is abnormal tissue.  (She explained that most of her work is done through palpitation not sight.  The tendrils of the tumor are microscopic.  She relayed that studies prove the hands and limbic systems of surgeons can determine if something is abnormal before the conscious mind.  In other words is tissue doesn't feel right, she's taking it, whether or not it looks weird. Another example of how we don't know all that we know.) She will call the pathologist to see what sarcoma's origin tissue was-  .  She will take more of that type of tissue, unless it is a nerve sheath sarcoma. If she takes the nerve, his leg would have to come off. He'll be in the hospital for 3 days.  Since the incision is so deep they'll use a negative pressure wound vac on him.  I suspect they'll keep him pretty drugged up so he doesn't bite it off. Also, as much as I hate that he will be away and in pain, I'm glad he is staying there so they can manage his pain hour to hour, and as a bonus (!) and much as I love and want to take care of him, I don't have to see the incision immediately after surgery. 

I asked for something that could increase the cost of the surgery by over a third: reconstruction so that he will lose no range of motion and maintain his ability to run and have fun.  For me, a dog's whole point in life is mobility.  While a human can make do and even thrive confined to a bed or wheelchair, a dog would not have a fulfilling life.  At least in my opinion.

The sarcoma is a skin cancer, so they took of a good bit of skin in the first surgery and sewed it back together. Mr. H has no problem with running now. In fact he acted like he never had surgery. He and his sister made a jail break about 2 weeks after his surgery and he was as fast as ever. The second surgery will take more skin to increase the margins on the sides so there is less to pull together without too much tightness.  She offered a couple of options, and I told her to do what she needed to do:

1) there may be enough skin to simply close the wound normally
2) make a flap out of some skin lower on the leg and fold it over, she drew a picture but I don't understand.  Add four days more to hospitalization
3) take skin from somewhere else on the body. Also add four more days.

Good news through- a study of dogs with soft tissue sarcomas who had the second surgery showed that there is only a 9% chance of recurrence.

The surgery estimate minus the $$ is below the fold. I'm embarrassed to say how much this will cost - approximately 6 mortgage payments.

Woman holding typewriter ribbon at Royal Typewriter by SMU Central University Libraries

Worth a Thousand Words

I wanted to share a couple of my other blogs- well they're more collections of images. I love going through public archives. Many many pictures speak to me, so rather than having a zillion bookmarks in my Firefox browser, I figured I'd make my own picture album.

I love children and animals.  When I see pictures of children, I wonder what it is like to be in their shoes. I want to know what they think and feel.  Where do they live?  What does their bedroom look like?  How do they amuse themselves? I also like how fashion evolves through the years.

Animals are just cute, but my favorite are group pictures, maybe a vacation shot or a family portrait, with a dog sleeping off to the side or perched contentedly in someone's lap.  Those type of pictures make me smile.

Anyway, here they are:

Archived Children & Archived Animals

Put on a Happy Face

Facebook is only for happy stuff. I posted pictures of a pretty dress and lots of people had something to say, but I post that my dog has cancer and no one has a thing to say. Facebook is for our fantastic fantasy lives not reality. Put on a happy face!

Oscar Peterson - Put On A Happy Face, Verve by Piano Piano!, on Flickr

Ms. D's Anal Adventures

Not a low-quality porn dvd... It's my real life!

Ms. D, my six-year-old hyperactive half-wiener dog, went into the hospital a couple months ago for lavage of a ruptured anal gland (or anal sac). This post is for dog owners, therefore WARNING: There is a picture of this after the fold. 

Colonel de Basil's Original Ballet Russe (Russian Ballet) season, Theatre Royal, Sydney, 1939-1940, / Sam Hood by State Library of New South Wales collection

Sandy Sandy Sandy I Can't Let You Go

All day I've watched the weather models honing in on a direct hit on the mid atlantic and I'm making preparations. And sadly I'm resigned to the fact that I'll be without power for a couple days. Models now show it hitting further north, but I'm dubious.  Yesterday raked up a bunch of leaves from the front yard and the are now serving as mulch for the flower beds in the back yard. Today I got batteries, canned fruit, and other nonperishables. Tomorrow I'll fill up the tank, clean the backyard basement drain, and vote. And my last goal is to eat everything in my freezer before iI loose power.  Here's to you Sandy.

Narrow streets, Naples, Italy (LOC) by The Library of Congress

The Belted Kingfisher

As I was leaving work, I came upon a handsome belted kingfisher sitting motionless on the sidewalk. It is likely that the bird ran into the glass windows of my office building and stunned itself.  A little time and it would have been able to fly off perfectly fine, but I was still concerned. I felt a tug in my heart and sat with the bird for about 20 minutes until I got a response from a park ranger. I picked it up to put it in a box, and it flew about 10 feet away from me.  I picked it up again and placed it in a large flower pot by the fountain so it could recover out of site from people or predators.  It flew away sometime yesterday night.

Cocker on the Look Out

via http://attackofthecute.com

Thoughts on Town Hall Debate

Before I listen to what other people think of the debate, here are my impressions:

• Why did Mitt Romney have a horrible scowl on his face when, during his closing statement, he said, "I love children."

• Mitt Romney and the President Obama both argued with the moderator Candi Crowley like they were brothers trying to get the front seat of the car. I was completely childish and makes me think poorly of them both. The best (and by that I mean worst) point was when Mitt Romney snapped, "NO" and turned away from Candi Crowley when she asked him to move on to another question. Who does that?

• Mitt Romney was more aggressive towards the moderator than Obama.  Women don't like watching male political figures charging and bullying female political figures. (See Hillary Clinton's senate debate against Rick Lazio.)  If Mitt Romney was trying to keep his share of female voters he gained after Obama's lackluster performance in the first debate, he may have turned them off with his argumentativeness and threatening body language.

• I suspect Romney took from the success of his first debate performance that aggressiveness works and that for the second debate he should go big or go home. I was very uncomfortable when Mitt Romney was in President Obama's face challenging him on his pension fund and on other issues. It was also disconcerting that Mitt Romney turned his back to the camera to go on these attacks. On a gut level, I felt he was trying to provoke the president into throwing a punch.

• Mitt Romney said he thought everyone should have access the contraception. Many social conservatives disagree, and I wonder if he will backpedal.

Have $800. Need Water Buffalo.

I was playing on the internet one day and I found this: Water Buffalo Mount from a wild water buffalo. This water buffalo mount will have natural imperfections customarily found on all wild animals. $800.



I have a few thoughts:

1. Good God! Water buffalo are massive.

2. How did this animal meet its end?  The company says the animal parts it sells are by-products of agriculture or government culling programs.

3. Even though the animal had to die, the taxidermist did it justice.  It looks great, unlike this poor creature.

4. All the mounts in restaurants like Longhorn Steaks and Bugaboo Creek must be picked up at a warehouse like this.

5. Do I have room in my house?

A Gentlemanly Flogger

My flogging from a couple weeks ago went well. The Flogger likes a different kind of play, though, so it's doubtful we will play again. There are benefits to playing with people who have been around a while, like the ease and directness of communication. He also knew exactly what he was doing, down to a straw for my water bottle so I could drink without letting go of the St. Andrew's Cross. When I write him back I'll tell him he is quite a gentleman.

================================

Dear Flogger,

Thanks for my first flogging. I am interested in playing again if you feel the same way.

A couple hours later my back looked like nothing had happened, so marks were not a problem. I liked the slow build up, but once warmed up I can take more, but I'd like more intense thuddy type stuff.  Towards the very end I almost signaled to stop, but you backed off whatever it was you were doing. Was that the single tail/flogger hybrid? At this point intense stingy sensations are too painful, and I am in no way ready for a visit from a single tail whip.

There were two things that I did not like, but they are easily solvable. I enjoyed and appreciated the aftercare, but the thick blanket combined with the heat of the club was miserable.  I could bring a lighter blanket. Also if you would like to play again, I would like the hits scattered around the back of my body (including ass) rather that just the shoulders.

Let me know what you think,
UTP

=================================

Hi UTP

 

Sorry for the delay in replying.

 

I intentionally didn't want to go too hard because it is much easier on your body to ask for more next time, than to ask for less. That may have been the cat o'nines that was stingy. I wanted to give it a try and see how you responded. I saw your hand move slightly, so I stopped.

 

We talked about being able to hit your ass, but it was last minute and I didn't want to change what we had negotiated at the spur of the moment. Combine that with avoiding the kidney area, it didn't leave a lot of alternatives.

 

I'm honored you want to play again. My play tends to be a bit more sexual, e.g., using floggers on breats, playing with nipples, and flogging inside the thighs. Obviously, that is not something you are interested in doing. We should talk in person one evening and see if there is common ground.

 

Flogger

via

Film star Helen Twelvetrees, Rutland Gates, Bellevue Hill, Sydney, early 1936 / photograph by Sam Hood by State Library of New South Wales collection

That Time of the Month

I must be on the verge of ovulating, because all my guy friends at work were looking really good to me today. As in close the door and take off your pants good.

Gotthardbahn - Laghi en Como Maggiore and Lugano

source bigthink.com

An 1898 art noveau - styled woman holds Paris and Dresden in her hands.The black line through her middle is the Gotthardbahn, a railway through the Alps that provided a rail connection between Germany and Italy.

via

Blizzard, the pup in Antarctica / photograph by Frank Hurley by State Library of New South Wales collection

via

Girl in garden at Newhalem, 1938 by Seattle Municipal Archives

via

Young lady and birdcages by Tyne & Wear Archives & Museums

In this image we can see a young lady stood on the steps of a traditional style wooden caravan. She's tending to a parrot in one of the birdcages.

The images have been selected from the Arthur J Fenwick collection of circus material.
Arthur James Fenwick (1878-1957) was a director of Fenwick's Department Store. In his personal life he was extremely interested in fairs and circuses, collecting historical material about them and building personal relationships with showmen who visited Newcastle. He was made a life member of the Showmen's Guild in 1944.

Enviro Tip

The other night, I put thin strips of left over chicken on a plate and used the plate as a lid for a pot of rice.  It's a small thing, but I heated my chicken using only steam from the rice.  I think that's kind of cool.

Finally a Flogging

At the local BDSM club, I talked with a couple who are on the board of  local BDSM educational group, asking if they received my membership renewal since I hadn't yet received my membership card.  I chatted a bit with the wife, and we discussed how I had been having a hard time finding people to play with at the club.  Most scenes are negotiated online. They may change the script at the D101 nights to reflect this. She asked her husband if he'd like to do a flogging scene with me, and he said he was too tired. Oh well.

The following week, the organization sent me a letter regarding my membership, and this was inside the envelope:

It will be interesting playing with someone much older with much more experience. By interesting I mean I will be nervous and a little uncomfortable.  The uncomfortable is instinctual - everything you learn about being a woman and keeping yourself safe.  It will be in public, I know he will respect my limits, and I'll hopefully have a friend there keeping an eye out.  There will be no restraints, so I'll just walk away if I need to.  But still I'm nervous. Frontal lobe:  please control the lizard brain.  Thanks.

Also, he is a nice looking guy, but I'm not attracted to him. The thought of him touching me in any kind of a sexual way is gross.

The negotiations to date:

Bowie Pac-Man Bandits - Part 2

Another sighting on Route 197 North near the on ramp to Route 50 West!

via

Maree Austin washes up during the run of "White sheep of the family", 1953 by State Library of New South Wales collection

Margaret Barr's "Strange Children" [ballet], 1955

Two Peas in a Dastardly Pod

(Preface: everything worked out, as it usually does.  I am ok.)

It's called a comorbidity.  I don't like the word; it make me think if dying twice.  But anxiety is comorbid with depression, and unfortunately it's go me by the throat.

As evidenced by this post, I've been having a freak out about my grad school application.  The specifics of the situation are not so important as my reaction, which is extreme paralyzing anxiety. It is the most horrible feeling, worse than depression in my opinion. It's about what my mind falls back to once it is not occupied with something else:

Depression --- > distraction over ----> I don't see any point to anything. I'll just sit here and wallow.  Better yet I'll ruminate.  Maybe I should die. <<shrug>>

Anxiety --- > distraction over ----> Whatever the issue is pops back into my mind, and I feel like the bottom drops out of my stomach, there is no shrug, no oh well, it's like OMG, racing mind, fretting, the feeling of I can't take this anymore.

I was like that over my grad school application.  It was a catastrpohe, my own fault, I won't get in, what will I do with my life, I don't deserve to get in, etc. I still feel it under the surface waiting to pop up again. I hate this feeling more than anything. I'd rather vomit, which is the second thing I hate most in life.  I'd rather vomit all day.  I'd rather have shots in my feet.  Only one though. Those things are horrible.

When I first got serious about dealing with my mental health, I got Celexa, Lamictal, and a baby dose of Xanax.  Though I'm not bipolar, Lamictal does something to augment the Celexa or regulate my moods or something.  I don't know, but just an SSRI doesn't work for me.

At first I didn't take my baby dose of Xanax.  I thought I should tough the anxiety out because it wasn't as bad as it had been.  I used to be really big on toughing things out which wasn't very healthy.  (Untreated depression does physical damage to hypothalamus, another clue that it is a real disease.) Once I allowed myself the "luxury" of the Xanax, it helped me get the gentle feeling that everything is okay.

Everything was not okay last Thursday night, way not okay, bad bad not okay, so I took 1 mg Xanax on top of my 0.25mg usual. I did that again Friday and Saturday nights.  Like I say, it was bubbling under the surface. I'm still upset and worried and disappointed in myself over the application, but I can now deal with it as if it is not a catastrophe.  I'll be sad and angry, and I'll cry, but it will be okay. (Of course, I'm assuming I'll be rejected, which is fortune telling, No-No #89 in the Person With Depression Handbook.)

Welcome to my new readers from Panama and Sweden!

Dubstep at the Dentist's Office

I'm late to Dubstep. I can appreciate it in very small doses, but I do have to wonder if it is made by artists who have never had dental work. ;-) Listen all the way to number 1. Parametic - Ready Set. I can smell the drill!

Thoughts on Rape Culture by Cydian Rake

How tolerating the rape culture is keeping your dick dry
by Cydian Rake

This post is addressed to the dudes in the crowd. All you ladies might want to leave the room, because I’m going to try my best to talk to these guys just like I see them talk to each other in the movies.

OK dude, have all the ladies left?

Good. *Ahem*

You are a fucking moron.

No shit, you are actually making things harder on yourself and every other guy out there who is trying to get laid.

Yeah, YOU!

Every time you are a misogynist, an angel closes her legs.

Every time you think to yourself that the careful etiquette that women (and men) are trying to create in order to combat the rape culture is just a bunch of feminist nonsense, women everywhere are that much less inclined to go out, and that much less likely to wear something sexy when they do.

Every time you fail to make eye contact with a woman you are sexing up, every time you fail to notice that a woman isn’t having such a great time, every time you fail to speak up when you see a woman looking uncomfortable with another dude, somewhere a woman decides that she just isn’t that into sex.

Every time you whistle at a woman walking down the street, or grab ass on someone without getting permission from her lips (or *at least* from her eyes), every time you speak to a woman like she owes you sex, or take the easy way and make a really bad rape joke at the expense of your audience member (Yes, Tosh, I’m looking at you), and every time you stand by and watch that shit happen, or even defend the douchebag who did it, somewhere else a woman says no to a man, gets an unexplained headache, or asks to be taken home early.

Eventually, that man will be you. And you will believe that her rejection of you is unjust, and you will probably think, or even say, unkind things about her to your friends, or even to her face.

But YOU, you fucking moron, YOU are doing this to yourself.

And I can already see you thinking to yourself all manner of absolute childish tripe and justification after sophomoric justification about how this is “just how women are”:

• • They are aloof, they are cold, they are callous, they enjoy breaking men down and making them beg.
• • OR: They are just being drama queens; the 1 in 4 rape statistic is exaggerated, it’s really 1 in 14.  As if it matters which terrifying statistic is true.  Like semantics is going to somehow make it all OK.
• • OR: They are confused, they don’t know what they want, they need a big strong man to make the decision for them.
• • OR: They just don’t like sex as much as men do, so you have to trick them into it or you’ll never get laid.
• • OR: All they had to do was not walk in that part of town, not wear that outfit, not be such a tease, count to ten and spin around three times.
• • OR: They all want sex but are ashamed to admit it, so they need you to convince/coerce/cajole them into it so they can be relieved of the responsibility of wanting it. See? You were really raping those ladies for their own good. What a generous guy.

Even if any of the above is true, you can’t do something about other people can you?  But we CAN do something about ourselves, and we are lucky enough to be the gender that everyone seems to look to to make the first move.

So, I am going to do you a favor right now.

Now this is only a favor if you can be man enough to shut the fuck up, sit down and read this as if you cared to understand what it is really like for a woman.

Men, you overpower women by sheer muscle mass, your general weight is 60 lbs heavier by average, and as a combat specialist for 10 years I can tell you the honest truth about fighting: weight is almost everything.
Women walk around scared. Every. Fucking. Day.  Now I am aware that you all walk around a bit scared too because, whether you admit it or not, you are scared of being rejected or humiliated, since you are EXPECTED to be the one to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable.  But women–the lucky bitches–women get approached all the time! Right?

Women get approached because they are viewed as targets!

As in: men like to hunt them.  Usually the hunt ends in a conversation and a nice time, but sometimes it ends in blood.  Lip blood, vaginal blood, sometimes dead cold drying blood.

Yes, that is what it’s like for a woman.  Walking around terrified all the time that a man might just arbitrarily decide to hurt you, and there’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it. Women LONG for a man, partially for protection, but EVERY man is a threat until proven otherwise, and all they have for weapons is their social intelligence, a rape whistle, and a hope.
Now, why the fuck should you care?

Man, even if you are the most shallow guy in the world who just wants a pussy, ass or mouth to wet your dick in, you should care. Because the rape culture is making women afraid of you, and of sex in general.

Imagine a world where the CULTURE dictates that men who see any sort of misogyny should put a stop to it right away.

Where any man who sees some sort of excessive force takes action with equal force to put an end to it.  Where fucking cops don’t spend their efforts convincing women it’s not worth fighting for justice.
Where the reaction from friends and family is not accusation and disparagement (“Are you SURE that’s what happened? You’re not just overreacting/dramatizing/mis-remembering? This is a man’s life we’re talking about here!).

Where a woman’s character is not pilloried because she was unlucky enough to be victimized. (“She was wearing a MINI SKIRT.” “She had been DRINKING.” “She flirted with him in front of everyone!” “She slept with half the neighborhood, why should we believe that lying slut?”)
In that world?  IN THAT FUCKING WORLD?!

In a world where those who have the most power actually exercise it by–at the VERY LEAST–refusing to stay silent when they hear some dude telling a woman she is a bitch for not sleeping with him. All it takes is four simple words:
“That’s not cool man.”

In THAT world, you would get laid all the time.

WHY?
Because women LOVE SEX.
They actually love it more than you do. They want men (or women) to fuck them.  A lot.  And IN THAT WORLD, many of them would not even be all that picky about a quickie.
And even though most of you reading this are not rapists and most have not even accidentally misunderstood a signal and gone too far; it’s not your actions I am talking about here.  It is your inactions that are REALLY fucking things up.

So why make a change?

1) Do it for the children.
Some reports show as high as 70% of all rapes are by an immediate family member.  By making rape not OK anywhere, you give more options to those who wish to report abuse by their own family.

2) Do it for your fellow men who are raped
Yeah, even men are raped and a culture where people look the other way allows that to happen to anyone.

3) Do it for your mom
If 25% of women have been sexually assaulted in some way, then there is a decent chance that your own mom has been raped, Dude. Your own mom. But let’s say you hate your mom. What about your little sister? Or your second-grade teacher? Or your best female friend from elementary school. Chances are, some woman who has made a positive impact on your life has been or will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. Chew on that for a while.

4) Do it for your self-respect
You know what is right.  Just because you’ve spent a lifetime kowtowing to whatever Alpha attitude happens to be running the table at the moment, doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it. Want to sleep better than you ever have? Want more genuine self-confidence? Put a stop to an injustice and stand up for your convictions.

5) Do it for your penis
Have you been paying attention? Not only will changing the culture make women more likely to spread their thighs for you, changing your attitude will do the same. That’s right, being RESPECTED is a serious turn-on, and integrity is fucking hot.

So the next time I see even one of you assholes make another disparaging comment about women, or respond to “I was raped” with “What were you wearing/doing/drinking/WHATEVER?”, or fail to stop some creep from making a woman uncomfortable, expect me to step in and stop YOU.

Because honestly, Asshole: you’re fucking it up for me.

Be like these guys instead:
http://austin.culturemap.com/newsdetail/07-12-12-14-37-the-best-response-weve-heard-to-daniel-toshs-misquoted-rape-jokes/
http://www.pcar.org/men-against-sexual-violence-masv
http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/teenage-rape-victim-will-not-be-held-in-contempt-for-naming-her-attackers/
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/hmar/
http://www.rapeis.org/activism/prevention/menagainstrape.html
http://www.mencanstoprape.org/
http://marcnc.blogspot.com/
http://www.mencanstoprape.org/
http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/
http://www.nomas.org/
http://www.thedadman.com/
http://www.jamesontriplett.com/2012/04/25/i-stand-for-respect/
http://www.jacksonkatz.com/
http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/ 

Yeah, that’s right, the fact is that plenty of men reading this are already doing their best. And we really need you in order to stop the real evil predators out there.

And some of you could do more.  I find more that I can do all the time.  Even just in writing this I’ve learned a few more things I can do.  But I, alone, making a change will make no difference if you go out tonight and let your friend tell another dumb blonde joke, or brag that he hooked up with some chick who was so wasted she passed out halfway through.

The culture is shifting.  Be ahead of the curve. Re-read the 5 points listed above, go out tonight and put a stop to it.

Like a man.

Grupo Verde Gaio, Portugal by Biblioteca de Arte-Fundação Calouste Gulbenkian

I Feel Like a Major Fuck Up Today

Yep.  I feel like my actions are a series of mistakes.  I did something I told myself I wouldn't, and now I'm upset with myself and I'm just like why...why do you have to do stupid shit?  I feel like I fucked up my grad school application because I expect the world to make exceptions for me.  I feel like I don't deserve those exceptions, and I don't deserve to get into school.  I feel like not getting in would make it impossible for me to make a career change.

I know that none of this is true. But I feel like every bit of it is.

What happened to the person who said, If I get in I get in, if I don't I don't? What happened to the person who wants to go to school to challenge herself and have that academic experience again while not being depressed?  What happened to the person who finds sexuality fascinating and just wants to learn?

I think I've got my ego tied up in this graduate school thing. That's part of the problem.  And the application thing, I decided to do different recommendation letters than they asked for because I simply can't give them what they need. I've been out of school too long. I'm hoping they'll make an exception.

I have no control over this and I need to let it go.  I also need to stop beating myself up.  I have no mercy for myself or the fact that I'm human, and that I do make bad choices sometimes, and sometimes I do do stupid shit, but that doesn't mean I'm inherently fucked up.

I'll feel better tomorrow after a good night's sleep.

The Office Shanker

My office instituted 360 evaluations, so I was recently rated by 10 coworkers, all of whom I know and like.  However one of them fucking shanked me on these evaluations. My boss, who does not mince words and can be very critical, told me to take the comments with a grain of salt because some of them were very harsh. The other 9 colleagues gave me great reviews and nice comments, so I'm focusing on the outlier.  The comments from the fucking shanker show an intimacy with my work habits, so I'm pretty sure I know who it is. It is unfortunate because I may have to reevaluate my relationship with her.

thomashawk / Shank

Here are some of the best:

Treats others with respect and dignity by appreciating and valuing an inclusive workplace- Rarely - UTP does not possess welcoming body language and often seems distant when engaging in face-to-face communication. Avoids talking about culturally-sensitive issues.  Does not make and effort to learn about the Commission's policies regarding cultural diversity.

Gives and receives feedback in ways that are useful for growth and development - Rarely - UTP is not an attentive listener and dismisses a person if she does not understand what they are saying - language barriers

(We have a man working here who is a prince in Ghana, but that is not really relevant.  He has a certain way of saying things because of the way he learned English. He is not trying to call anyone out or cast blame, but when he finds a mistake in something, he is like "This is wrong!"  "You did it wrong!" That is just how he says I found a mistake.  It could be off putting if you were not sensitive to the cultural differences. Once he left my cube, I talked to the shanker and basically said this to her and then said, "It's a language issue, right?"  Apparently it was a language wrong.)

Takes initiative by being innovative, by being creative, and by motivating others - Rarely - Very set in her ways.  Not open to suggestions.

(How would you know this unless you worked with me on a daily basis?  Shanker.)

Values a diverse workplace by being committed to excellence, innovation, and quality work - Rarely  - Does not look for opportunities to add value to the workplace. Not very proactive in including or integrating best practices to enhance the division.

Demonstrates integrity and honesty in job performance - Generally - Generally follows workplace policies but regularly does not want others to know what she is doing.

(huh?)

Encourages others to contribute their full potential.... - Sometimes- Complains regularly about what is not right with the division instead of encouraging others to make suggestions about how things can be better.

(Sorry for bitching.  Dearest shanker, you won't have to listen to it anymore.)

Works with team to achieve common goals - Rarely - seems to be more of a loner than a team player so her goals always seem set aside from those of the team.

I guess familiarity breeds contempt.

But here are some of the good ones:

• Respectful, yet with a healthy sense of humor.

• She says hello. I think she is very aware of cultural difference in people's backgrounds and treats others with respect.

• No aires, just wants to help.

• Provides explanations when things are not clear to avoid misunderstandings.

• I haven't witnessed her motivating others but she is receptive to suggestions and I haven't felt inhibited from expressing thoughts to her.

• I think she freely engages with others no matter their race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or socio-economic background.

• She's been fair and open.

• She is a good steward of the xxx's resources in an honest manner.

• Makes sure staff understand how and why certain decisions are made.

• She participates on team efforts and I think she likes it by listening, offering creative ideas, taking responsibility, interacting well with all team members, and working with the team to come up with decisions.

• Can be very sarcastic at times (This is a good thing!)

=====
Since I wrote this up, I talked with my co worker H.  He talked me down a little bit, and said that the comments don't sound like they could have come from the person I think is the shanker.  Oh well.  As my boss said, there is always one person who does something like this. That person is the SHANKER!

Dream: Lion Bite on the Loose

Skipnclick / Lion pawsing for thought

Taking pictures of a male lion in a capital rotunda (known because it had a mane).  It was a state capitol, but I don't know which one.  I was assisting with the photography. The lion came around to me and gently wrapped its mouth around the top of my head.  Its top jaw was just above my eyebrows and its lower jaw was at the back of my neck. Even though it was a play bite, gentle is a relative term especially when it comes to a lion, and I felt my skull reacting to the pressure.

*******

Guerito \ Yawn

The photographer and I showed the pictures to the Governor and she approved them.  There was one problem though - the lion got free!

******

I'm in a neighborhood sitting at a picnic table with three other people deep in someone's backyard. We see the lions across the street, but luckily they don't come to bother us.  I call 911 to report the lions and the dispatcher tells us to stay together in a group and remain still.  If we split up and run it will trigger the lions' prey drive and they will chase us.

Savage Love on Weed

Oh Savages. What can I say?

I don't like violent movies but I made an exception for Savages because I liked the cast (Blake Lively, Salma Hayek, Benicio Del Toro).  A bigger factor for me was that Blake Lively's character, O, has two boyfriends. Did you say two boyfriends?  Yeah I did.

=============

In the middle of a therapy session, my therapist burst out, "Oh, there's a movie you have to see!"

I said, " Savages?"

"Yes!"

I'm in there regularly talking about my adventures in kink, and how I've met these people, but they aren't contacting me anymore and what does that mean, and should I care, and people set up their relationships in such interesting ways, I see all this variety and people seem happy, etc. I may have mentioned once or twice that it would be interesting to have two boyfriends.

So she thought of me when she saw this movie.  Good or bad?  Not sure.

==============

I wondered how Savages would treat the relationship between Ben, O, and Chon.  I was concerned it would be a drama-filled sex-frenzied whirlwind of chaos and destruction.  To my suprise it was the exact opposite.  Inside the relationship was love and calm.  Outside, everyone was double crossing everyone else, cutting deals, and slitting throats. The only people who didn't sell each other out to the highest bidder were these three.

==============

There was only one love scene with all three of them together.  I was the most tame in the movie, no skin, just kissing, but to me it was by far the most arousing. And that was because of the weed.

Out on the patio each takes a hit from a bong.  Someone looks into someone elses eyes and they start touching. Chon rubs his hand along O's bangles. This is one of the hottest parts, because not only are they making out, they are making out high. That touch on her arm would be exquisite not because pot heightens the senses, necessarily, but it quiets down the monkey mind. All the stuff going on in her brain would cease for a while and she would simply focus on the sensation of a hand running up her arm.  I'm not sure if it feels better so you focus more, or because you can focus on one thing it feels more intense.  Either way, if a touch on her arm is exquisite, imagine the mind-blowing potential of a touch, lick or slap in a much more sensitive area.

I don't know if  they intended the viewer to bring all this to the movie, but that's what I picked up and man that scene was hot.  I shifted in my seat a little.

==============

I saw it for a second time mostly so I could stare at Ben (Aaron Johnson).  I'm such a sucker for the long-hair-scruffy-beard thing on guys. I like all kinds of men, trust me, but this kind of look is UTP bait.

Tie me to the mast of a ship, or so help me I'll see it for a 3rd time. MUST WAIT FOR DVD.

Dream: The 1,500th President

I was predicting the name of the 1,500th President of the United States, which would be almost 6,000 years from now.  The name was Maxwell Goodman.

It is interesting to wonder if there would even be a United States that far from now. What geo-political alliances would begin and end during that time?  Would sea level rise make Kansas the place to purchase expensive beachfront property?

GRE Misery

Not really. I just wanted a cute title that rhymed.

I arrived at a nondescript office building and proceeded to the suite of Prometric Testing Services.  There I showed my ID and received a key to a locker, where I was to put all my belongings, including my watch. The only thing I could keep was my ID and the locker key.

When my name was called I went into a glass office that looked into the testing room.  There a nice lady looked at my ID again, asked me for the last 4 digits of my phone number and took my picture.  Then things got a little TSA.  She asked me to pull out my pockets, stick my finger in the tiny front pocket, and turn around so she could see me put my hands in my back pockets.  Next I walked over to an X - I assume this special spot was visible to cameras - and she used a wand on me to scan for metal objects.   The whole place was rigged with cameras.

Via

 I had to sign in: 12:42 pm. After that I was allowed into the test room, which had about 16 cubicles with computers.  She provided me with yellow headphones, like you see on people at the airports directing the planes into the gates. I appreciated those because I did not want to be distracted by the sound of sobs or heads hitting keyboards.  She also provided me with pencils and a pink booklet of scratch paper.  I had to trade it in for another one during the test.  You can't have more than one at a time.

Once the test loaded my picture popped up on the screen for me to confirm that I was taking the test meant for me.  I had been resting my chin on my hand while I was at the desk, so my picture had the look of a 1990s Glamour Shot sans the feather boa and bad makeup.  I started cracking up when I saw it - a good way to start a 4 hour test I think.

Essays were first, one where I had to argue for or against mandating parental volunteering at schools. Then I had to analyze an argument about whether or not a college should build new dorms.  My essays were good.  The rest of the test alternated between quantitative and verbal.

I knew I would not get through all the quantitative, so my strategy was to give all questions a "B" or the second answer, just so everything had an answer and I didn't have to scramble at the end to make sure I didn't skip one. (Wrong answers don't count against you on the GRE.)

I did the data analysis and geometry first since I got most of those right during practice, then I worked through the rest.  For the probability problems I was like, "How the fuck am I supposed to know?" B. I'm in the 40th percentile in quantitative, but only 2 points below the average score, so I don't feel bad, and it's not like I'm going to graduate school for theoretical physics.

Don't worry about me.  I'm hunched over from GRE prep!

In the verbal section, I did the word choice problems first, then the short passages saving the long passage for last.  I finished those sections with 10 minutes to spare.  I felt like I got every question right, but apparently not since I was in the 80th percentlie, about 10 popints above the average.

The test took me exactly 4 hours, including my 10 minute break.  When I came back from the break, I had to do the pocket search and the wand again.  I felt like telling the lady she should at least buy me dinner.

I refused to let this test stress me out.  I stressed one night while I was studying, but I said no more.  If graduate school causes me undue stress, I'm going to lower my class load. I am striving for a low stress lifestyle.

This is the best fake smile ever

I used REAs Contextual Vocabulary and general GRE prep book. I don't remember seeing any of the vocabulary words on the GRE, and none of the 10-point words like nugatory, welter, or minatory.  I was able to work obviate into one of my essays, so that was good.  I wouldn't say that this book is necessary unless you really need the vocab help. I enjoy learning new words so I didn't regret the purchase. The other book explained math in an easy and fun way, so I'd definitely recommend it.

Overall it was an ok experience, but I'm glad to have it over.  The GRE completes my application, so I'll be waiting to hear if the program wants to interview me.

I Have A New Blog

When my mom was visiting, we had some discussions about aspects of my personal life that she found out while on my computer. She says she was not snooping, but I do not believe her.

As a result of these conversations, I began to appreciate that some people do not want to be exposed to sex, sexuality or curse words. (If they expose themselves because they are nosy, well, there's nothing I can do about that.) I'm applying to graduate school to study human sexuality and I use my share of expletives, so those topics pop up frequently on this blog.  But I do have posts on other topics that get clicks from Google searches and those folks may not want to be exposed to these things.

Sparking Clean will have all the "clean" stuff from this blog that I can easily cut and paste. Posts about restaurants or toothpaste (yes, I'm writing about toothpaste soon), more reviews than how they relate to my inner life, will probably only be at Sparkling Clean.

All the good stuff will stay here. : - )

60-20=40

One of my meds is Celexa, and my psychiatrist told me at our last visit that the dose I was on carried a risk of cardiac arrhythmia.  This is not a new drug, so I'm not sure why they just determined this. He said I needed to go down to 40mg or switch to something else.

I had a hell no, I won't go back moment. A panic of I'd rather die than go back to how I was, but of course I survived that living hell to become the person I am now. And everything would be ok if I got depressed again because I have support systems in place, etc.  It is not something I want to have happen, ever, but I would get through it if it did.

I accepted that I had to do it, but there was the issue of discontinuation syndrome or withdrawal.  I am very sensitive to this.  If I miss my morning medication I know by 3pm because I start getting dizzy and getting the feeling. For me the feeling is similar to when you're swinging and you're at the lowest point and the g-forces are the highest. I'll get that feeling every couple of minutes, all day long, but just in my brain.  On Wikipedia others refer to them as "brain zaps", "brain shocks", "brain shivers", "head shocks", or "cranial zings." That's about right.  It's not a constant thing, which perhaps could blend into the background.  I'm going about my day, then BAM I'm on a swing.

My psychiatrist said just go down to 50mg for a week and then to 40mg. Most people can do this, but not me.  Even though I knew better, I popped a pill in half, but by afternoon I was back at the playground. I had to take it slow. It took me almost two months to drop 40mg because I went down by 2.5mg a week. I figured my body would not miss such a small amount and I was right. It was a bitch cutting those small pills into 8 pieces, but not going through withdrawal was more than worth it.

Two weeks ago I finally got down to 40 mg and I am quite pleased with myself. I was worried that my baseline would go down, but it hasn't.  My baseline is still "slightly good" rather than just blah. I still have occasional moments of stress or sadness, but the vast majority of the time is the gentle feeling that everything is ok.

And then there is the feeling of accomplishment I get from doing something I didn't think I could. Go me. :-)

Dachshund Love- Modern Art Edition

Miniportrait - Myungsue and Dokota / KangHee Grändås-Rhee

2012 Olympics Team USA Uniforms

Members of Congress are fuming because the uniforms for the 2012 Olympics in London were made in China. Pelosi and Boehner are angry. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid called for them to be burned. We know you're pissed, dude, but that is a little much.

via

 This is free market capitalism at work- making garments and trinkets and small household appliances where wages are the lowest. Why those wages are so low is not a concern.  Tommy Hilfiger probably had the chinese infrastructure in place already, so sending a few new designs there was a financial no-brainier.

But what in the world were they thinking? Tommy Hilfiger and Olympic Committee:  are you dumb? Did you not know that these garments would be some of the most scrutinized in the United States? The only garment I can think of that gets as much scrutiny is a First Lady's inaugural gown.  Those are always made in the USA.

First Lady Michelle Obama donates her gown to the Smithsonian March 2010

The politicians are playing to their bases in an election year, for sure, but come on Olympic Committee members.  This is a PR fiasco that did not have to happen.

Koalas to the Max

The website Koalas to the Max has captured my imagination. It takes an image, analyses all the colors and turns it into one circle. Clicking on the circle will yield four smaller circles each representing the colors in its quadrant of the image.  This continues six or seven more times (I'm not sure; the circles get really small) until the full image is revealed. 

You can recognize a face after only a couple of divisions.  A few more divisions and you can tell whose face it is.

Another neat feature of the site is that you can customize it and give a picture of your choosing for the Koala treatment. I chose the portrait of Adele below. She is the only artist to stay in my car cd player for over 6 months.  I never get tired of her album 21. I don't understand it. I want her to move to America and become my little sister. Anyway.

To customize you add a ? after koalastothemax.com/  then add the url of your image.

So it would look like: http://koalastothemax.com/?http://urlofimage

See the results below!

                                                     Adele Image Using Koalas to the Max

Bowie Pac-Man Bandits

Someone is turning the streets of Bowie, Maryland into a gigantic Pac-Man game, or something like that.  In a couple places around town I see Pac-Man or his enemies. I imagine looking down at the city and seeing the streets as the maze that Pac-Man travels to eat his pac-dots or pellets and score points.

The yellow light in the middle of a stoplight sign has been turned into Pac-Man chasing two white dots. This is at the intersection of Kenhilll Drive and Collington Road.  There is the outline of Pac-Man started on the corner of Northview and Collington Roads, at the part of the intersection closest to the Safeway. A mailbox on Superior lane has been transformed into Blinky or Pinky.

I also noted a pair of scissors on Annapolis Road near its intersection with Moylan Road.  It replicates the "cut here" images you see on coupons or bills: a pair of scissors followed by dashes.  In this case the dashes are the white lines separating the lanes. I don't know if this is related to the Pac-Man bandits.

Whoever you are out there, keep up the good work. I love it.

Henri Le Chat Noir - The Existential Cat

I really enjoy these videos by Will Braden. Anthropomorphism has never been so funny.

 

Henri: I am like a pendulum that does not swing. 

Henri 2, Paw de Deux:  I am surrounded by morons.

 

Henri 3:  Le Vet - The indignity is too much to bear.