Yep. I feel like my actions are a series of mistakes. I did something I told myself I wouldn't, and now I'm upset with myself and I'm just like why...why do you have to do stupid shit? I feel like I fucked up my grad school application because I expect the world to make exceptions for me. I feel like I don't deserve those exceptions, and I don't deserve to get into school. I feel like not getting in would make it impossible for me to make a career change.
I know that none of this is true. But I feel like every bit of it is.
What happened to the person who said, If I get in I get in, if I don't I don't? What happened to the person who wants to go to school to challenge herself and have that academic experience again while not being depressed? What happened to the person who finds sexuality fascinating and just wants to learn?
I think I've got my ego tied up in this graduate school thing. That's part of the problem. And the application thing, I decided to do different recommendation letters than they asked for because I simply can't give them what they need. I've been out of school too long. I'm hoping they'll make an exception.
I have no control over this and I need to let it go. I also need to stop beating myself up. I have no mercy for myself or the fact that I'm human, and that I do make bad choices sometimes, and sometimes I do do stupid shit, but that doesn't mean I'm inherently fucked up.
I'll feel better tomorrow after a good night's sleep.
