Coming Out As Kinky

In this Savage Love Letter of the Day, Dan Savage argues that BDSM is something a person of any sexual orientation can do; it is a sexual activity, not a sexual orientation.  Therefore, it isn't anyone's business. The diversity consultants at my workplace say something similar:  Talking about your sexual activities is inappropriate, but you can discuss who you get sexy with.

I tend to agree with this regarding acquaintances, but just about everyone I'm close to knows I'm kinky. I feel like I'm hiding something if I don't discuss my membership in the community.  If I don't, I seriously feel like I did when I exclusively dated women and someone assumed I was straight.  I have a hard time putting words to why this activity requires disclosure, while my other activities like wildlife rehabilitation and photography do not. I guess it's sexual activity and part of my core all rolled up in one. 

Slap Me Baby. Hard.

Worrying about the future is the root of anxiety, and I shouldn't be doing it.  However, when I find myself thinking about a future relationship, I might worry that I'll fall for some dude who isn't kinky and has no interest in exploring.  That I'll be rejected for it.  In reality, I'd have to reject him, but in my worries I'm always the victim.

As much as it is important to me, as much as I want it to be a part of my life until I go to sleep for the last time, I don't see BDSM as my orientation. (I'll give this more thought.) But there are people who do. In the same column, Dan Savage posted an interesting  and very long letter from a young man who sees BDSM as his orientation. The letter writer describes it this way:

We live in a culture where those of us who are weird enough to have similar experiences have absolutely nowhere to go, which is why I want it in the public consciousness. Which is why I'm "out," why I intend on staying that way, and why I think being "out" is so important for those interested in BDSM. I belong to the local kink group, go to munches, etc., and we get a lot of people in their 50s who have been having sex for years and are just now getting interested in kink. I've been interested in kink since I was three and am only now—at age 24—getting interested in more vanilla-type sex. I prefer feminine-but-androgynous partners, but I'm bi and have played with members of both genders (if you believe in a binary, and many genders if you don't), and I'd much rather whip someone I was unattracted to than have just plain old sex with someone I was. And there are other people like me, regardless of how rare. My playmate between ages four and seven. My current partner. And there have to be others.

I don't care what you call what I am (although I'd be very curious about what you'd call me if not "BDSM-oriented"), but I'd like it to be known that people like me exist. Eventually I'd love to see it inserted in the public dialog, hopefully so the next generation has it a little easier. It's no fun being trapped in your own head, unable to talk to anyone and convinced that what turns you on, something you totally didn't ask for, is destined to eventually turn you into a predator and a monster.

We are all different, coming to BDSM in our own ways. The when and why of disclosure and the question of orientation will be on my mind for a while.

Thoughts on Rape Culture by Cydian Rake

How tolerating the rape culture is keeping your dick dry
by Cydian Rake

This post is addressed to the dudes in the crowd. All you ladies might want to leave the room, because I’m going to try my best to talk to these guys just like I see them talk to each other in the movies.

OK dude, have all the ladies left?

Good. *Ahem*

You are a fucking moron.

No shit, you are actually making things harder on yourself and every other guy out there who is trying to get laid.

Yeah, YOU!

Every time you are a misogynist, an angel closes her legs.

Every time you think to yourself that the careful etiquette that women (and men) are trying to create in order to combat the rape culture is just a bunch of feminist nonsense, women everywhere are that much less inclined to go out, and that much less likely to wear something sexy when they do.

Every time you fail to make eye contact with a woman you are sexing up, every time you fail to notice that a woman isn’t having such a great time, every time you fail to speak up when you see a woman looking uncomfortable with another dude, somewhere a woman decides that she just isn’t that into sex.

Every time you whistle at a woman walking down the street, or grab ass on someone without getting permission from her lips (or *at least* from her eyes), every time you speak to a woman like she owes you sex, or take the easy way and make a really bad rape joke at the expense of your audience member (Yes, Tosh, I’m looking at you), and every time you stand by and watch that shit happen, or even defend the douchebag who did it, somewhere else a woman says no to a man, gets an unexplained headache, or asks to be taken home early.

Eventually, that man will be you. And you will believe that her rejection of you is unjust, and you will probably think, or even say, unkind things about her to your friends, or even to her face.

But YOU, you fucking moron, YOU are doing this to yourself.

And I can already see you thinking to yourself all manner of absolute childish tripe and justification after sophomoric justification about how this is “just how women are”:

• • They are aloof, they are cold, they are callous, they enjoy breaking men down and making them beg.
• • OR: They are just being drama queens; the 1 in 4 rape statistic is exaggerated, it’s really 1 in 14.  As if it matters which terrifying statistic is true.  Like semantics is going to somehow make it all OK.
• • OR: They are confused, they don’t know what they want, they need a big strong man to make the decision for them.
• • OR: They just don’t like sex as much as men do, so you have to trick them into it or you’ll never get laid.
• • OR: All they had to do was not walk in that part of town, not wear that outfit, not be such a tease, count to ten and spin around three times.
• • OR: They all want sex but are ashamed to admit it, so they need you to convince/coerce/cajole them into it so they can be relieved of the responsibility of wanting it. See? You were really raping those ladies for their own good. What a generous guy.

Even if any of the above is true, you can’t do something about other people can you?  But we CAN do something about ourselves, and we are lucky enough to be the gender that everyone seems to look to to make the first move.

So, I am going to do you a favor right now.

Now this is only a favor if you can be man enough to shut the fuck up, sit down and read this as if you cared to understand what it is really like for a woman.

Men, you overpower women by sheer muscle mass, your general weight is 60 lbs heavier by average, and as a combat specialist for 10 years I can tell you the honest truth about fighting: weight is almost everything.
Women walk around scared. Every. Fucking. Day.  Now I am aware that you all walk around a bit scared too because, whether you admit it or not, you are scared of being rejected or humiliated, since you are EXPECTED to be the one to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable.  But women–the lucky bitches–women get approached all the time! Right?

Women get approached because they are viewed as targets!

As in: men like to hunt them.  Usually the hunt ends in a conversation and a nice time, but sometimes it ends in blood.  Lip blood, vaginal blood, sometimes dead cold drying blood.

Yes, that is what it’s like for a woman.  Walking around terrified all the time that a man might just arbitrarily decide to hurt you, and there’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it. Women LONG for a man, partially for protection, but EVERY man is a threat until proven otherwise, and all they have for weapons is their social intelligence, a rape whistle, and a hope.
Now, why the fuck should you care?

Man, even if you are the most shallow guy in the world who just wants a pussy, ass or mouth to wet your dick in, you should care. Because the rape culture is making women afraid of you, and of sex in general.

Imagine a world where the CULTURE dictates that men who see any sort of misogyny should put a stop to it right away.

Where any man who sees some sort of excessive force takes action with equal force to put an end to it.  Where fucking cops don’t spend their efforts convincing women it’s not worth fighting for justice.
Where the reaction from friends and family is not accusation and disparagement (“Are you SURE that’s what happened? You’re not just overreacting/dramatizing/mis-remembering? This is a man’s life we’re talking about here!).

Where a woman’s character is not pilloried because she was unlucky enough to be victimized. (“She was wearing a MINI SKIRT.” “She had been DRINKING.” “She flirted with him in front of everyone!” “She slept with half the neighborhood, why should we believe that lying slut?”)
In that world?  IN THAT FUCKING WORLD?!

In a world where those who have the most power actually exercise it by–at the VERY LEAST–refusing to stay silent when they hear some dude telling a woman she is a bitch for not sleeping with him. All it takes is four simple words:
“That’s not cool man.”

In THAT world, you would get laid all the time.

WHY?
Because women LOVE SEX.
They actually love it more than you do. They want men (or women) to fuck them.  A lot.  And IN THAT WORLD, many of them would not even be all that picky about a quickie.
And even though most of you reading this are not rapists and most have not even accidentally misunderstood a signal and gone too far; it’s not your actions I am talking about here.  It is your inactions that are REALLY fucking things up.

So why make a change?

1) Do it for the children.
Some reports show as high as 70% of all rapes are by an immediate family member.  By making rape not OK anywhere, you give more options to those who wish to report abuse by their own family.

2) Do it for your fellow men who are raped
Yeah, even men are raped and a culture where people look the other way allows that to happen to anyone.

3) Do it for your mom
If 25% of women have been sexually assaulted in some way, then there is a decent chance that your own mom has been raped, Dude. Your own mom. But let’s say you hate your mom. What about your little sister? Or your second-grade teacher? Or your best female friend from elementary school. Chances are, some woman who has made a positive impact on your life has been or will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. Chew on that for a while.

4) Do it for your self-respect
You know what is right.  Just because you’ve spent a lifetime kowtowing to whatever Alpha attitude happens to be running the table at the moment, doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it. Want to sleep better than you ever have? Want more genuine self-confidence? Put a stop to an injustice and stand up for your convictions.

5) Do it for your penis
Have you been paying attention? Not only will changing the culture make women more likely to spread their thighs for you, changing your attitude will do the same. That’s right, being RESPECTED is a serious turn-on, and integrity is fucking hot.

So the next time I see even one of you assholes make another disparaging comment about women, or respond to “I was raped” with “What were you wearing/doing/drinking/WHATEVER?”, or fail to stop some creep from making a woman uncomfortable, expect me to step in and stop YOU.

Because honestly, Asshole: you’re fucking it up for me.

Be like these guys instead:
http://austin.culturemap.com/newsdetail/07-12-12-14-37-the-best-response-weve-heard-to-daniel-toshs-misquoted-rape-jokes/
http://www.pcar.org/men-against-sexual-violence-masv
http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/teenage-rape-victim-will-not-be-held-in-contempt-for-naming-her-attackers/
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/hmar/
http://www.rapeis.org/activism/prevention/menagainstrape.html
http://www.mencanstoprape.org/
http://marcnc.blogspot.com/
http://www.mencanstoprape.org/
http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/
http://www.nomas.org/
http://www.thedadman.com/
http://www.jamesontriplett.com/2012/04/25/i-stand-for-respect/
http://www.jacksonkatz.com/
http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/ 

Yeah, that’s right, the fact is that plenty of men reading this are already doing their best. And we really need you in order to stop the real evil predators out there.

And some of you could do more.  I find more that I can do all the time.  Even just in writing this I’ve learned a few more things I can do.  But I, alone, making a change will make no difference if you go out tonight and let your friend tell another dumb blonde joke, or brag that he hooked up with some chick who was so wasted she passed out halfway through.

The culture is shifting.  Be ahead of the curve. Re-read the 5 points listed above, go out tonight and put a stop to it.

Like a man.

Strap-On Technique

These long videos offer useful tips, some of which I've filed away for future use.

Link to Video

Video One- 
Picking the right harness and dildo.
Kink University is back in session and the sexy and talented Isis Love is here to teach you the basics of strap-on fucking with Holly Heart. Learn how to get the perfect fit inside and out by selecting the right cock, harness, lube, and condoms. When you're strapped on and ready for action, Isis shows us all the right positions, angles and techniques.

Link to Video

Video Two-  Vaginal Sex.

Link to Video

  
Video Three-  Anal Sex.

Tips on Power Exchange for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Kink Deferred

Yesterday around 9pm, headache and vomiting got in the way of a perfectly good night of kink, which was to include spanking and fire cupping.  I have to hand it to the staff at the Crucible for taking good care of me until I was well enough to drive home.

The day was not an entire waste kink–wise, however. In the afternoon I attended a workshop on genitorture for those with vulvas and vaginas. I explain it that way because the instructor wanted to make the point that just because a person has these genitalia does not mean that the person identifies as female. The preferred pronouns for the four (!) demo bottoms were he, she, she and it.

Via ssh

For the first demo, the bottom got on the floor and the inst. kicked him between the legs. Hard. Apparently bits can take alot of impact. Then the inst. covered his vulva with plastic wrap and hit it with a small leather strap and then a paint stirrer. Since he was a boot black, he also requested to be hit with one of his brushes, and reported that the prickly, irritating sensation of the bristles was not deadened by the plastic wrap barrier.

The next demo discussed how one could introduce humiliation into a scene by doing an "inspection” of the genitials, looking them over, examining them, and making quantitative (I can fit 3 fingers in.) or qualitative (I can fit 3 fingers in because you've got a loose slutty vagina!) statements. Then the inst. moved on to insertion, describing how it can be made uncomfortable, including sliding a finger in along with the dildo to put pressure on different parts of the vaginal wall.

For the third demo bottom, the class moved from basic genitorture to genitorture university.

A snake bite remover can works as a mini version of vacuum cupping. It is the same principle, but the cup is small enough to cover the area of a bite, and suction is achieved by pulling a syringe handle.  I don't know the right terminology here.  It is alot of suction in a small area, and when applied to the clitoris, the result is intense.

The instructor also demonstrated that fire play is a possibility for the bits if one uses a q-tip dipped in 70% isopropal alcohol (90% burns too hot apparently). When lit, it is a tiny flame, almost invisible.  I tried this on my arm and it was hot and uncomfortable, and it singed the hair.  I can only imagine it on more sensitive areas.

(I'll add here that the instructor is OSHA certified to handle blood and spent a good deal of time talking about safe handling of equipment and sterilization.) 

Via Quinn.anya

The last act of the third demo was needle play: one just under the skin of each of the outer labia, 3/4 in long needles straight into the perineum, mons pubis and clitoral hood, and a 5 inch needle through both outer labia, making a vulva kabob. Ouch, ouch, ouch, and ouch. The demo bottom moaned and groaned as the needles went in, especially the kabob because it went through skin four times. Once in she could not feel them, and she was content to have them in while we observed the fourth demo. (When the needles came out later there was pain and blood.)

The forth demo moved us from genitorture university to genitorture post-graduate fellowship.  This is some gnarly shit.  If you had trouble with the needles, scroll on down to another blog entry.

Fair Warning.
 
The first part wasn't so bad.  We learned how to use a speculum. Then the demo bottom wanted to have the feeling of scrotum, so the instructor injected each of the outer labia with a saline flush. It was a pretty good size syringe filled with saline and it took about 15 seconds to inject each labia.   Oval-shaped swellings became visible, and the instructor told us that the body would reabsorb the saline in about 24 hours. The instructor has also done this procedure on men to temporarily enlarge the scrotum and penis, and also on men and women who want to temporarily enlarge breasts. In the case of breast, she has used IV bags full of saline.

Via Chekhter

Finally we learned how to do a temporary chastity using super glue. The instructor put some super glue on a q-tip and spread a tiny amount along the sides of the outer labia then pushed them together. After about 10 seconds they were glued.  In this case, the demo wanted access to its clit, so only a 1/2 inch portion of the labia was glued.  If one wants to glue more, there must be an opening left for urine.

The glue breaks down over the course of 3 days through exposure to urine. If there is an emergency situation and it must be undone before then, nail polish remover on a q-tip applied only to the glued area will release it.

Tit for Tat

I didn’t know there was anything wrong with me until one night my mother told me so as she was tucking me into bed. We were living in Leavenworth, Kansas, and I was in elementary school, probably 3^rd or 4^th grade.

“One day your husband is going to look at you and tell you you’re not normal.”

She was referring to my nipples. 

Let me repeat, I was in elementary school, no older than 9 years old. The little neighborhood girls I joke around with are the same age I was then.

Who says that to their daughter?

It is impossible to communicate the shame and isolation I felt.  My inverted nipples were my dirty secret. My body was deformed, and people (my husband) were appearing from the future to condemn me for it. 

Via

One the first day of school the next year, I folded toilet tissue into neat squares, put it into my little training bra, and made a bargain with my breasts: You can stick out, but the shape of your nipples must stay a secret.

I didn’t have words for it at the time, because hell I was a kid, but thinking back there are people who are supposed to have your back, nurture you and look out for your best interests. Most parents shield kids from the grown up world’s anxiety, stress, chaos and rage. My family had lots of problems in this regard.  But her comment was not just failing to shield me from an outside force;  she injected the anxiety and shame right into me.

Instead of sitting with her own anxiety that her children were not perfect, she needed to share that anxiety with me.  It was unfair to put that burden on me. Not to mention very fucked up.  

It is painful to write about this, and it makes me want to cry. I want to hug that little girl who needed acceptance and unconditional love but was born to two parents who were incapable of it. I've mentioned it to my mom a couple of times. Her response: "I don't remember saying that, but if I did, I apologize." Why would she remember?  I was a off-handed comment.  It meant nothing to her.

On a 1-10 scale, today this bothers me at about a level 1.  I wonder how much hot sexy trouble I stayed out of in college and my twenties because I let this nonsense affect me. Now that I am in my thirties, I’ve started having my fun.  It’s probably for the best since I’m more mature now.

Well, Mom, of all the men and women who have had intimate contact with my nips, none have complained! 

Guess you were wrong.