Margaret Barr's "Strange Children" [ballet], 1955

Two Peas in a Dastardly Pod

(Preface: everything worked out, as it usually does.  I am ok.)

It's called a comorbidity.  I don't like the word; it make me think if dying twice.  But anxiety is comorbid with depression, and unfortunately it's go me by the throat.

As evidenced by this post, I've been having a freak out about my grad school application.  The specifics of the situation are not so important as my reaction, which is extreme paralyzing anxiety. It is the most horrible feeling, worse than depression in my opinion. It's about what my mind falls back to once it is not occupied with something else:

Depression --- > distraction over ----> I don't see any point to anything. I'll just sit here and wallow.  Better yet I'll ruminate.  Maybe I should die. <<shrug>>

Anxiety --- > distraction over ----> Whatever the issue is pops back into my mind, and I feel like the bottom drops out of my stomach, there is no shrug, no oh well, it's like OMG, racing mind, fretting, the feeling of I can't take this anymore.

I was like that over my grad school application.  It was a catastrpohe, my own fault, I won't get in, what will I do with my life, I don't deserve to get in, etc. I still feel it under the surface waiting to pop up again. I hate this feeling more than anything. I'd rather vomit, which is the second thing I hate most in life.  I'd rather vomit all day.  I'd rather have shots in my feet.  Only one though. Those things are horrible.

When I first got serious about dealing with my mental health, I got Celexa, Lamictal, and a baby dose of Xanax.  Though I'm not bipolar, Lamictal does something to augment the Celexa or regulate my moods or something.  I don't know, but just an SSRI doesn't work for me.

At first I didn't take my baby dose of Xanax.  I thought I should tough the anxiety out because it wasn't as bad as it had been.  I used to be really big on toughing things out which wasn't very healthy.  (Untreated depression does physical damage to hypothalamus, another clue that it is a real disease.) Once I allowed myself the "luxury" of the Xanax, it helped me get the gentle feeling that everything is okay.

Everything was not okay last Thursday night, way not okay, bad bad not okay, so I took 1 mg Xanax on top of my 0.25mg usual. I did that again Friday and Saturday nights.  Like I say, it was bubbling under the surface. I'm still upset and worried and disappointed in myself over the application, but I can now deal with it as if it is not a catastrophe.  I'll be sad and angry, and I'll cry, but it will be okay. (Of course, I'm assuming I'll be rejected, which is fortune telling, No-No #89 in the Person With Depression Handbook.)

Welcome to my new readers from Panama and Sweden!

Dubstep at the Dentist's Office

I'm late to Dubstep. I can appreciate it in very small doses, but I do have to wonder if it is made by artists who have never had dental work. ;-) Listen all the way to number 1. Parametic - Ready Set. I can smell the drill!

Thoughts on Rape Culture by Cydian Rake

How tolerating the rape culture is keeping your dick dry
by Cydian Rake

This post is addressed to the dudes in the crowd. All you ladies might want to leave the room, because I’m going to try my best to talk to these guys just like I see them talk to each other in the movies.

OK dude, have all the ladies left?

Good. *Ahem*

You are a fucking moron.

No shit, you are actually making things harder on yourself and every other guy out there who is trying to get laid.

Yeah, YOU!

Every time you are a misogynist, an angel closes her legs.

Every time you think to yourself that the careful etiquette that women (and men) are trying to create in order to combat the rape culture is just a bunch of feminist nonsense, women everywhere are that much less inclined to go out, and that much less likely to wear something sexy when they do.

Every time you fail to make eye contact with a woman you are sexing up, every time you fail to notice that a woman isn’t having such a great time, every time you fail to speak up when you see a woman looking uncomfortable with another dude, somewhere a woman decides that she just isn’t that into sex.

Every time you whistle at a woman walking down the street, or grab ass on someone without getting permission from her lips (or *at least* from her eyes), every time you speak to a woman like she owes you sex, or take the easy way and make a really bad rape joke at the expense of your audience member (Yes, Tosh, I’m looking at you), and every time you stand by and watch that shit happen, or even defend the douchebag who did it, somewhere else a woman says no to a man, gets an unexplained headache, or asks to be taken home early.

Eventually, that man will be you. And you will believe that her rejection of you is unjust, and you will probably think, or even say, unkind things about her to your friends, or even to her face.

But YOU, you fucking moron, YOU are doing this to yourself.

And I can already see you thinking to yourself all manner of absolute childish tripe and justification after sophomoric justification about how this is “just how women are”:

• • They are aloof, they are cold, they are callous, they enjoy breaking men down and making them beg.
• • OR: They are just being drama queens; the 1 in 4 rape statistic is exaggerated, it’s really 1 in 14.  As if it matters which terrifying statistic is true.  Like semantics is going to somehow make it all OK.
• • OR: They are confused, they don’t know what they want, they need a big strong man to make the decision for them.
• • OR: They just don’t like sex as much as men do, so you have to trick them into it or you’ll never get laid.
• • OR: All they had to do was not walk in that part of town, not wear that outfit, not be such a tease, count to ten and spin around three times.
• • OR: They all want sex but are ashamed to admit it, so they need you to convince/coerce/cajole them into it so they can be relieved of the responsibility of wanting it. See? You were really raping those ladies for their own good. What a generous guy.

Even if any of the above is true, you can’t do something about other people can you?  But we CAN do something about ourselves, and we are lucky enough to be the gender that everyone seems to look to to make the first move.

So, I am going to do you a favor right now.

Now this is only a favor if you can be man enough to shut the fuck up, sit down and read this as if you cared to understand what it is really like for a woman.

Men, you overpower women by sheer muscle mass, your general weight is 60 lbs heavier by average, and as a combat specialist for 10 years I can tell you the honest truth about fighting: weight is almost everything.
Women walk around scared. Every. Fucking. Day.  Now I am aware that you all walk around a bit scared too because, whether you admit it or not, you are scared of being rejected or humiliated, since you are EXPECTED to be the one to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable.  But women–the lucky bitches–women get approached all the time! Right?

Women get approached because they are viewed as targets!

As in: men like to hunt them.  Usually the hunt ends in a conversation and a nice time, but sometimes it ends in blood.  Lip blood, vaginal blood, sometimes dead cold drying blood.

Yes, that is what it’s like for a woman.  Walking around terrified all the time that a man might just arbitrarily decide to hurt you, and there’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it. Women LONG for a man, partially for protection, but EVERY man is a threat until proven otherwise, and all they have for weapons is their social intelligence, a rape whistle, and a hope.
Now, why the fuck should you care?

Man, even if you are the most shallow guy in the world who just wants a pussy, ass or mouth to wet your dick in, you should care. Because the rape culture is making women afraid of you, and of sex in general.

Imagine a world where the CULTURE dictates that men who see any sort of misogyny should put a stop to it right away.

Where any man who sees some sort of excessive force takes action with equal force to put an end to it.  Where fucking cops don’t spend their efforts convincing women it’s not worth fighting for justice.
Where the reaction from friends and family is not accusation and disparagement (“Are you SURE that’s what happened? You’re not just overreacting/dramatizing/mis-remembering? This is a man’s life we’re talking about here!).

Where a woman’s character is not pilloried because she was unlucky enough to be victimized. (“She was wearing a MINI SKIRT.” “She had been DRINKING.” “She flirted with him in front of everyone!” “She slept with half the neighborhood, why should we believe that lying slut?”)
In that world?  IN THAT FUCKING WORLD?!

In a world where those who have the most power actually exercise it by–at the VERY LEAST–refusing to stay silent when they hear some dude telling a woman she is a bitch for not sleeping with him. All it takes is four simple words:
“That’s not cool man.”

In THAT world, you would get laid all the time.

WHY?
Because women LOVE SEX.
They actually love it more than you do. They want men (or women) to fuck them.  A lot.  And IN THAT WORLD, many of them would not even be all that picky about a quickie.
And even though most of you reading this are not rapists and most have not even accidentally misunderstood a signal and gone too far; it’s not your actions I am talking about here.  It is your inactions that are REALLY fucking things up.

So why make a change?

1) Do it for the children.
Some reports show as high as 70% of all rapes are by an immediate family member.  By making rape not OK anywhere, you give more options to those who wish to report abuse by their own family.

2) Do it for your fellow men who are raped
Yeah, even men are raped and a culture where people look the other way allows that to happen to anyone.

3) Do it for your mom
If 25% of women have been sexually assaulted in some way, then there is a decent chance that your own mom has been raped, Dude. Your own mom. But let’s say you hate your mom. What about your little sister? Or your second-grade teacher? Or your best female friend from elementary school. Chances are, some woman who has made a positive impact on your life has been or will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. Chew on that for a while.

4) Do it for your self-respect
You know what is right.  Just because you’ve spent a lifetime kowtowing to whatever Alpha attitude happens to be running the table at the moment, doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it. Want to sleep better than you ever have? Want more genuine self-confidence? Put a stop to an injustice and stand up for your convictions.

5) Do it for your penis
Have you been paying attention? Not only will changing the culture make women more likely to spread their thighs for you, changing your attitude will do the same. That’s right, being RESPECTED is a serious turn-on, and integrity is fucking hot.

So the next time I see even one of you assholes make another disparaging comment about women, or respond to “I was raped” with “What were you wearing/doing/drinking/WHATEVER?”, or fail to stop some creep from making a woman uncomfortable, expect me to step in and stop YOU.

Because honestly, Asshole: you’re fucking it up for me.

Be like these guys instead:
http://austin.culturemap.com/newsdetail/07-12-12-14-37-the-best-response-weve-heard-to-daniel-toshs-misquoted-rape-jokes/
http://www.pcar.org/men-against-sexual-violence-masv
http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/teenage-rape-victim-will-not-be-held-in-contempt-for-naming-her-attackers/
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/hmar/
http://www.rapeis.org/activism/prevention/menagainstrape.html
http://www.mencanstoprape.org/
http://marcnc.blogspot.com/
http://www.mencanstoprape.org/
http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/
http://www.nomas.org/
http://www.thedadman.com/
http://www.jamesontriplett.com/2012/04/25/i-stand-for-respect/
http://www.jacksonkatz.com/
http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/ 

Yeah, that’s right, the fact is that plenty of men reading this are already doing their best. And we really need you in order to stop the real evil predators out there.

And some of you could do more.  I find more that I can do all the time.  Even just in writing this I’ve learned a few more things I can do.  But I, alone, making a change will make no difference if you go out tonight and let your friend tell another dumb blonde joke, or brag that he hooked up with some chick who was so wasted she passed out halfway through.

The culture is shifting.  Be ahead of the curve. Re-read the 5 points listed above, go out tonight and put a stop to it.

Like a man.

Grupo Verde Gaio, Portugal by Biblioteca de Arte-Fundação Calouste Gulbenkian

I Feel Like a Major Fuck Up Today

Yep.  I feel like my actions are a series of mistakes.  I did something I told myself I wouldn't, and now I'm upset with myself and I'm just like why...why do you have to do stupid shit?  I feel like I fucked up my grad school application because I expect the world to make exceptions for me.  I feel like I don't deserve those exceptions, and I don't deserve to get into school.  I feel like not getting in would make it impossible for me to make a career change.

I know that none of this is true. But I feel like every bit of it is.

What happened to the person who said, If I get in I get in, if I don't I don't? What happened to the person who wants to go to school to challenge herself and have that academic experience again while not being depressed?  What happened to the person who finds sexuality fascinating and just wants to learn?

I think I've got my ego tied up in this graduate school thing. That's part of the problem.  And the application thing, I decided to do different recommendation letters than they asked for because I simply can't give them what they need. I've been out of school too long. I'm hoping they'll make an exception.

I have no control over this and I need to let it go.  I also need to stop beating myself up.  I have no mercy for myself or the fact that I'm human, and that I do make bad choices sometimes, and sometimes I do do stupid shit, but that doesn't mean I'm inherently fucked up.

I'll feel better tomorrow after a good night's sleep.

The Office Shanker

My office instituted 360 evaluations, so I was recently rated by 10 coworkers, all of whom I know and like.  However one of them fucking shanked me on these evaluations. My boss, who does not mince words and can be very critical, told me to take the comments with a grain of salt because some of them were very harsh. The other 9 colleagues gave me great reviews and nice comments, so I'm focusing on the outlier.  The comments from the fucking shanker show an intimacy with my work habits, so I'm pretty sure I know who it is. It is unfortunate because I may have to reevaluate my relationship with her.

thomashawk / Shank

Here are some of the best:

Treats others with respect and dignity by appreciating and valuing an inclusive workplace- Rarely - UTP does not possess welcoming body language and often seems distant when engaging in face-to-face communication. Avoids talking about culturally-sensitive issues.  Does not make and effort to learn about the Commission's policies regarding cultural diversity.

Gives and receives feedback in ways that are useful for growth and development - Rarely - UTP is not an attentive listener and dismisses a person if she does not understand what they are saying - language barriers

(We have a man working here who is a prince in Ghana, but that is not really relevant.  He has a certain way of saying things because of the way he learned English. He is not trying to call anyone out or cast blame, but when he finds a mistake in something, he is like "This is wrong!"  "You did it wrong!" That is just how he says I found a mistake.  It could be off putting if you were not sensitive to the cultural differences. Once he left my cube, I talked to the shanker and basically said this to her and then said, "It's a language issue, right?"  Apparently it was a language wrong.)

Takes initiative by being innovative, by being creative, and by motivating others - Rarely - Very set in her ways.  Not open to suggestions.

(How would you know this unless you worked with me on a daily basis?  Shanker.)

Values a diverse workplace by being committed to excellence, innovation, and quality work - Rarely  - Does not look for opportunities to add value to the workplace. Not very proactive in including or integrating best practices to enhance the division.

Demonstrates integrity and honesty in job performance - Generally - Generally follows workplace policies but regularly does not want others to know what she is doing.

(huh?)

Encourages others to contribute their full potential.... - Sometimes- Complains regularly about what is not right with the division instead of encouraging others to make suggestions about how things can be better.

(Sorry for bitching.  Dearest shanker, you won't have to listen to it anymore.)

Works with team to achieve common goals - Rarely - seems to be more of a loner than a team player so her goals always seem set aside from those of the team.

I guess familiarity breeds contempt.

But here are some of the good ones:

• Respectful, yet with a healthy sense of humor.

• She says hello. I think she is very aware of cultural difference in people's backgrounds and treats others with respect.

• No aires, just wants to help.

• Provides explanations when things are not clear to avoid misunderstandings.

• I haven't witnessed her motivating others but she is receptive to suggestions and I haven't felt inhibited from expressing thoughts to her.

• I think she freely engages with others no matter their race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or socio-economic background.

• She's been fair and open.

• She is a good steward of the xxx's resources in an honest manner.

• Makes sure staff understand how and why certain decisions are made.

• She participates on team efforts and I think she likes it by listening, offering creative ideas, taking responsibility, interacting well with all team members, and working with the team to come up with decisions.

• Can be very sarcastic at times (This is a good thing!)

=====
Since I wrote this up, I talked with my co worker H.  He talked me down a little bit, and said that the comments don't sound like they could have come from the person I think is the shanker.  Oh well.  As my boss said, there is always one person who does something like this. That person is the SHANKER!

Dream: Lion Bite on the Loose

Skipnclick / Lion pawsing for thought

Taking pictures of a male lion in a capital rotunda (known because it had a mane).  It was a state capitol, but I don't know which one.  I was assisting with the photography. The lion came around to me and gently wrapped its mouth around the top of my head.  Its top jaw was just above my eyebrows and its lower jaw was at the back of my neck. Even though it was a play bite, gentle is a relative term especially when it comes to a lion, and I felt my skull reacting to the pressure.

*******

Guerito \ Yawn

The photographer and I showed the pictures to the Governor and she approved them.  There was one problem though - the lion got free!

******

I'm in a neighborhood sitting at a picnic table with three other people deep in someone's backyard. We see the lions across the street, but luckily they don't come to bother us.  I call 911 to report the lions and the dispatcher tells us to stay together in a group and remain still.  If we split up and run it will trigger the lions' prey drive and they will chase us.

Savage Love on Weed

Oh Savages. What can I say?

I don't like violent movies but I made an exception for Savages because I liked the cast (Blake Lively, Salma Hayek, Benicio Del Toro).  A bigger factor for me was that Blake Lively's character, O, has two boyfriends. Did you say two boyfriends?  Yeah I did.

=============

In the middle of a therapy session, my therapist burst out, "Oh, there's a movie you have to see!"

I said, " Savages?"

"Yes!"

I'm in there regularly talking about my adventures in kink, and how I've met these people, but they aren't contacting me anymore and what does that mean, and should I care, and people set up their relationships in such interesting ways, I see all this variety and people seem happy, etc. I may have mentioned once or twice that it would be interesting to have two boyfriends.

So she thought of me when she saw this movie.  Good or bad?  Not sure.

==============

I wondered how Savages would treat the relationship between Ben, O, and Chon.  I was concerned it would be a drama-filled sex-frenzied whirlwind of chaos and destruction.  To my suprise it was the exact opposite.  Inside the relationship was love and calm.  Outside, everyone was double crossing everyone else, cutting deals, and slitting throats. The only people who didn't sell each other out to the highest bidder were these three.

==============

There was only one love scene with all three of them together.  I was the most tame in the movie, no skin, just kissing, but to me it was by far the most arousing. And that was because of the weed.

Out on the patio each takes a hit from a bong.  Someone looks into someone elses eyes and they start touching. Chon rubs his hand along O's bangles. This is one of the hottest parts, because not only are they making out, they are making out high. That touch on her arm would be exquisite not because pot heightens the senses, necessarily, but it quiets down the monkey mind. All the stuff going on in her brain would cease for a while and she would simply focus on the sensation of a hand running up her arm.  I'm not sure if it feels better so you focus more, or because you can focus on one thing it feels more intense.  Either way, if a touch on her arm is exquisite, imagine the mind-blowing potential of a touch, lick or slap in a much more sensitive area.

I don't know if  they intended the viewer to bring all this to the movie, but that's what I picked up and man that scene was hot.  I shifted in my seat a little.

==============

I saw it for a second time mostly so I could stare at Ben (Aaron Johnson).  I'm such a sucker for the long-hair-scruffy-beard thing on guys. I like all kinds of men, trust me, but this kind of look is UTP bait.

Tie me to the mast of a ship, or so help me I'll see it for a 3rd time. MUST WAIT FOR DVD.

Dream: The 1,500th President

I was predicting the name of the 1,500th President of the United States, which would be almost 6,000 years from now.  The name was Maxwell Goodman.

It is interesting to wonder if there would even be a United States that far from now. What geo-political alliances would begin and end during that time?  Would sea level rise make Kansas the place to purchase expensive beachfront property?