Blood and Fire

The Indigo Girls came up in a conversation recently, and I was reminded of a song of theirs I heard a couple weeks ago on Pandora - Blood and Fire (1989):

When I heard it a few weeks ago, I had a visceral reaction to the delivery, the intimacy and vulnerability. (When I watched this video,  I also had a visceral reaction to the 1980s hair, but I digress.) I remembered a journal entry from college about the Indigo Girls, specifically Amy Ray, but until I looked at it the other day, I did not realize the visceral reaction I had some 16 years ago was to the same song:

Later that evening, Scott took me to the apartment of two men who go to Mercer.  They and Scott used to be in a band together.  Anyway, the three of them sat down in a semicircle to perform a couple of songs...they took all my Indigo Girls requests.  They played numerous songs, but one just blew me away.  With all three of them singing harmony, they played Blood and Fire, an IG song I had never heard before. It had a haunting melody.  I just closed my eyes and let my mind wander.  I imagined Amy Ray in her beautiful butch voice singing I am intense, I am in need, I am in pain...over and over.... my eyes began to water and I kept thinking: this, women, is what I need to make me happy.  I got that wonderful content, happy, teary-eyed feeling, as if I was in heaven..I am intense, I am in need, I am in pain, I am in love (and it's not with a man!) I imagined her smooth voice in my ear...and the possibility that I'll have someone to sing to me.  I am intense...That was my realization that I am sooo gay.  I am a lesbian, dyke, whatever you call it.  I love women.  Everything about them.  I just drink up the way (most) women look, and I have stopped liking straight girls because there is no need in it.  Smiles, voices, breasts, soft lips, earrings, long soft hair or short hair, sweet toes and tummies.  Ok. I'm getting gooby, but there is not doubt in my mind that I LOVE WOMEN.  The dilemma, or challenge, I should say, is to know what I feel, know that it is what is right for me, and to not let the world make me forget or feel guilty or shameful.

I have no recollection of this impromptu jam session, but I don't think I was high.  If I was, I would have written something like, "Oh my God, I was soooo high."  OMG didn't exist back then, back in the pre-text dark ages. This song helped me revel in the rightness of my new reality. My orientation has evolved over the years, but back then things felt very pure and crisp. Guess things can be like that when you're 18.

Now I relate to the song in a very different way. I feel the vulnerability of, figuratively, cutting my chest open, taking out a part of me (I imagine it as a glowing orb, strange) and offering it to another person. It is a step one has to take to move to another level, but it is fucking terrifying.  I want to be a person who is gentle with the feelings of people I care about, and I want people in my life who will treat my heart with the same care that they would treat their own.


Won't you wet my fire with your love, babe.



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Bonus: recent cover of Blood and Fire by Aaron Lewis of Staind (2010):

Thoughts on Princess Donna and other Porn Stars

I was a huge Princess Donna fan. Such a fierce domme, gorgeous, mean in a caring way. Of course I still am, but I’m not a fan of her more recent endeavors as a bottom. I know that Princess Donna does not do anything Princess Donna doesn’t want to do, but I don’t like seeing her thrown about, spit on, slapped across the face, and face fucked. What happened to you Princess Donna? Where did you go? Somehow, it just doesn’t seem right. I could be projecting since I have no interest in any of those things.

I don't think I'm projecting. I was talking with a friend about this, and he said he felt the same about Felony. As a sub, he said, she was beyond compare. (I had to look her up and he was right!) But, he said, more recently they've [Kink.com] had her doing domme-related things, and it just feels wrong to me.

First, there is the issue that Kink.com "has [Felony] doing domme-related things."  We are talking like she has no agency.  She probably wanted to try new things or get out of bottoming.

I found a nice clip with Felony being topped by the lovely Bobbi Starr, and as I read the comments, the same issue he had with Felony popped up, but in REVERSE. "She is a true domme" or "She is no good at bottoming because her natural state is a top."

It seems that the first role we see an actress in - top or bottom - is how we assume she is and should be forever.  When we see something different, it causes cognitive dissonance.  It just doesn't feel right.

Do male actors have this issue as well?  I have to admit I do not know if male actors switch as often on the same websites.

Dream Last night: Jersey Mike's and Looking for the Metro

Steve, Mom and someone else were visiting me, but the surrounding were more like NYC than DC.  We came out of a building at a different place than we went in, and had a hard time finding the metro.  We walked around a lot.  We ended up in a courtyard lined with tall trees covered in fuchsia flowers.  A man in a low-to-the-ground silver sports car pulled up and asked us if we know where the metro was. He asked if one of us would like to go with him to drive around and find it (there was only the passenger seat available; it was a small car) and then come back with the information.  We declined. [In reality, I would have put Steve in there in the hopes that he would be abducted and killed.  Only partially kidding!] We ended up driving around for a long time.

…

Me and the same folks were deciding where to eat, and we ended up going to Jersey Mike’s.  However, this was the Jersey Mike’s from hell.  The sandwiches were about 2 inches wide.  I was not a happy camper.  I complained to the manager. I told him this is not how Jersey Mike’s is supposed to be.  In order to pay, you had to go down a hall to a black steel door.  There was a man in there who would take your money, but you had to slide it under the door.  This was to prevent theft.  I ended up getting in there and talking to him.  I told him that at the Laurel, Maryland location they acted like they were happy to see me, that their sandwiches were good. [This is true.  I drive about half an hour to get there.  I go just for the sandwiches - #12]

BDSM Insights

Topping is like writing a piece of music- you need rhythm, ebbing and flowing, soft and hard all mixed together. I like being responsible for another person's sensations and seeing the reactions they have to what I do. While I enjoy it very much, it's not entirely about me; it's about giving the other person the experience they want to have. If that means causing pain, I'm more than happy to do it, but I'm not going to cause pain solely for my own pleasure. I just don't work that way.

The more I top, the more I crave bottoming. The more intense my topping fantasies, the more I want to be broken down by a beating. With kindness and respect and trust of course. I want to bend to the pounding of a flogger on my back, wince at the sting of a riding crop on the soles of my feet.

The best way I can describe my feelings is by using the image of a balance scale. I feel best when one side is not too much higher or lower than the other, when I'm not all top and no bottom, for instance.

I wonder if this need is why I am being so forward asking people to play.  I was never like this, never asked anyone out on a date; I was, and still am, very secretive with my crushes.  Some men talk about how their sex drives are so biological and primal, and that that may be one of the reasons they can be so forward with approaching potential sex partners.  I feel like I look at finding a top the same way.  I’ll ask and if I get turned down, so what.  Eventually someone will say yes. So my question: is this personal growth or my need to fulfill a desperate desire? Or both?

Carrie Brownstein is Just Like Me

Carrie Brownstein, New Yorker, Stumptown Girl, 2012:

“What seems to have defined me more is that I’m pretty horrible at relationships and haven’t been in many long-term ones. Leaving and moving on—returning to a familiar sense of self-reliance and autonomy—is what I know; that feeling is as comfortable and comforting as it might be for a different kind of person to stay.”

Amen.

Negotiating My First Scene

Frankly, I'm surprised I'm getting around to this so soon.  I've only been in the scene since December 2011.  It is a testament to how safe I feel and the quality of the people I am meeting. Below is the negotiation about a scene that will take place this weekend.

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Me: Hey! It was nice meeting the two of you as well. I'll look forward to seeing you this weekend.

R: If you're still interested in playing on Saturday night, I'd definitely like to discuss it this week so that we're both on the same page! Anything you can tell me about what you would want and wouldn't want would be wonderful. I am all about aiming to please, so the more details we can work out in advance, the better!
Of course, if you don't feel comfortable playing, that's perfectly fine too... no pressure at all. Just want to advertise my availability (and interest)! :)

The Civil Wars

Click for link to their Nashville Scene profile

The Civil Wars have been getting me through my work day.  I saw them at the Lincoln Theater here in DC, and they were wonderful.  This 2011 Newport Folk Festival Concert via NPR was one of the first things I heard from them. Then I decided to see them live.  The friend I went with bought me their CD, and it is a crime to listen to it.  It does not capture the energy of their live show.  Had I heard their CD first, I would not have gone to the concert. Sad but true. Stick to the live stuff and pray that their next cd does them justice.

My favorites are Tip of My Tongue, Barton Hollow, and their cover of Michael Jackson's Billie Jean.