Topping is like writing a piece of music- you need rhythm, ebbing and
flowing, soft and hard all mixed together. I like being responsible for
another person's sensations and seeing the reactions they have to what I
do. While I enjoy it very much, it's not entirely about me; it's about
giving the other person the experience they want to have. If that means
causing pain, I'm more than happy to do it, but I'm not going to cause
pain solely for my own pleasure. I just don't work that way.
The more I top, the more I crave bottoming. The more intense my
topping fantasies, the more I want to be broken down by a beating. With
kindness and respect and trust of course. I want to bend to the
pounding of a flogger on my back, wince at the sting of a riding crop on
the soles of my feet.
The best way I can describe my feelings is by using the image of a
balance scale. I feel best when one side is not too much higher or lower
than the other, when I'm not all top and no bottom, for instance.
I wonder if this need is
why I am being so forward asking people to play. I was never like this, never asked anyone out
on a date; I was, and still am, very secretive with my crushes. Some men talk about how their sex drives are
so biological and primal, and that that may be one of the
reasons they can be so forward with approaching potential sex partners. I feel like I look at finding a top the same
way. I’ll ask and if I get turned down,
so what. Eventually someone will say
yes. So my question: is this personal
growth or my need to fulfill a desperate desire? Or both?
