Dream Last Night: A Dead Girl - Is this my inner child?

I was hanging out at a mall with friends, including a guy that I have a crush on named T. He and I were talking and flirting a little bit. Later I was walking through the mall next to an elementary school aged girl.  I pulled a ball out of a ball cage thing and began to kick it and throw it into the air.  The girl and I talked. 

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I’m driving a car alone a dirt road behind some houses to get to the one I am looking for.  As I backed into a parking space, I ran over a small girl. (She wasn’t the same girl as above. Or was she?  Weird.)  Her mother was looking at the scene.  I heard a crunch, but I thought it was only her leg that was damaged. The family drove the girl off, but we were not sure where they were taking her. 

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Back at the mall I’m walking the opposite way, reeling after being told the girl died. I run into T, and before I can even get the words out my mouth, he says, “I know.  I got 4 texts about it.” I realized that that was his test, listening to what I had to say, and he failed it. I rejected him.

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I’m on a train talking to some official people.  I was being charged with murder, and everything turned into a media circus.  I was asked not to speak to the press.  I read people’s theories about why I had murdered her, but the theories were all wrong. It was an accident.

Exploring BDSM

I’m entering a phase in my life where I want to explore all the things that have been interests of mine but I’ve been too scared to do anything about.  One of those things is getting involved with the bdsm community.

Via kk+

I debated creating a new blog for writings on this topic, but I’ve decided against it. It folds in with my love of dogs and children, my talents in art and photography, my interest in learning and teaching.  It’s all me. 

I’ve spent my time thus far meeting people in the area bdsm community. I’ve met them through Fetlife or through classes organized by a local education and support organization (Black Rose).

 

I may change settings to warn that my blog contains adult material, but I won’t be explicit for the sake of being explicit. This blog is not going to turn into one-handed reading. As I have time I’ll post about my experiences and impressions as a way to keep a record for myself and help others who may be on this journey in the future.

Dream Last Night: Oprah and Snooki

I was a propmaster on an Oprah show about art history.  The paintings were on the top of a wall, and I was behind them, holding them up as Oprah and the guest got to each one. Then Oprah was next to me telling me that Snooki was mad at her because she sat in front of her at the Oscars. 

I told Oprah that Jersey Shore was the only thing that kept Snooki from a life of crime. Oprah nodded and said she would send Snooki some buns to smooth things over.

I told Oprah that Snooki would likely regift them, and when she presented them to the new recipient, she’d say, “Here, eat Oprah’s buns.” Oprah laughed.

Dream Last Night: I Waved Like the Queen

In a parking lot I was backing up in my car.  Two coworkers, T and D, ran up to me to catch me.  (I have a great deal of affection for these two guys.) When they got close, they dropped to their knees and began to bow to me.  I put my arm out the window and began waving to them like the Queen of England waves to her followers.  The overall tone of the dream was affectionate and warm.

Stomach, Friday

Yesterday the surgeon poked and prodded and said he was not convinced I had a hernia. A CT scan with oral contrast will occur on Tuesday.  The oral contrast is a barium solution that has a berry flavor.  In the interest of my health I'll drink it. But I won't like it.

This opens up all sorts of scary possibilities.  Is it wrong to hope I have a really bad case of gas?

On a better note, I'll be seeing the matinee showing of Les Miserables at the Kennedy Center tomorrow.

I was invited to a Saturday night party animal Halloween get together by one of my coworkers. Starts at 10pm!  The theme is cartoon characters from the 80s and 90s. I would be forced to go as The Lady Who Found Out About The Party Yesterday! Sorry, not only do I have a sick stomach and no suitable costume, but I need to be in bed by 10!

About That Stomach Pain....

I've been having a dull ache in the lower right part of my abdomen. This morning the doctor poked around in there and said she thought I might have an inguinal hernia. A hernia?  Aren't those for little boys? I'm a female in my thirties. Apparently, surgeons repair around 700,000 of them each year in men, women and children.

I will see a general surgeon in a few weeks to get an ultrasound of the area.  My doctor said to be sure to follow up because a portion of your intestines can poke through the abdominal wall, lose blood supply, and then die.

Good times.

Unplanned Vacation

I just got back from South Carolina.  I was there to attend the death and then visitation and funeral of my grandmother Nanene. Now I really appreciate that people get sick and die.  It's just the way it is. Not good or bad. It just is.

A snake has gotta eat!

A fisherman caught a bluegill only to have a northern water snake follow the fish out of the water, onto land, and begin to eat it.

Dachshund Love - Do Your Business Edition

via Cute Overload

King of the Jungle

I've watched enough nature specials to know that lions do not live in the jungle.

During the hot days they lounge under shade trees.  Is it sunny in the jungle?  No.
Do zebra, watter buffalo and antelope live in the jungle?  No.

The tiger is a king of the jungle.  The jaguar is a king of the jungle.

In the jungle
the mighty jungle
the tiger sleeps tonight.

At Germany's Frankfurt Zoo via Cute Overload

In the jungle
the mighty jungle
the jaguar sleeps tonight.

At Huachipa Zoo in Lima, Peru via Cute Overload

The Shoulds

I should get to bed earlier.
I should eat more vegetables.
I should less time goofing off at work.
I should clean my house more often.
I should walk my dogs more often.
I should go to the gym.
I should drink more water.
I should not tell myself that I should do anything.

Book Review: If the Allies Had Fallen

If The Allies Had Fallen:  Sixty Alternate Scenarios of World War II.     

Edited by Dennis Showalter and Harold C. Deutch 

 

Once through the first half of chapter one, I realized that I needed a thorough understanding of German military structure and prominent officers for any of this to make sense.  This is perfect beach reading if you made straight A's in your graduate-level twentieth century European history courses.

 

However, it was nice to read that there was an active opposition to Hitler.  Of course there was one, but you don't pay attention to these obvious things when you're getting the broad outlines in History 101.

 

Of the 19 contributors, only one is female.  She is Anne Sharp Wells.

 

via christhoren

 

Book Review: Somebody's Daughter

Somebody's Daughter: The Hidden Story of America's Prostituted Children and the Battle to Save Them     Julian Sher

This book focuses on the prosecutors, activists, and the young women who work to bring down pimps.  The story of years long effort to bring down a major pimp working out of Atlantic City, New York and Las Vegas shows how all of these people worked together to end his abuse. Recommended.

Corporate Maid or Why I Love My Neighborhood

I have quite a few African neighbors.  Next to me are an older couple from Sierra Leone.  A family from across the way is Nigerian.  The wife gave me this movie to watch.  The melodramatic acting, poor lighting, overexposed skies and crazy plot make it a sight to behold.  My sense is that this is a controversial movie by Nigerian/Ghanaian standards because the corporate maid Miss Rose ("a snake in disguise") seduces the husband, the wife and the chef.  All the while the chef is courting the housekeeper. If your expectations are not too high, enjoy this as the craziest soap opera ever.

CORPORATE MAID Part 1 and 2 (Starring Van Vicker & Ngozi Ezeonu)

A DE-ZEEN INT'L LTD Production Starring VAN VICKER, NGOZI EZEONU, MERCY JOHNSON, CHARLES INOJIE and OYETORO HAFIZ. Produced by CHIMEZIE EMELIONWU and Directed by IKECHUKWU ONYEKA.  Nigeria / Ghana . Description: Miss Rose trains people to become good domestic help. Employed by Betty to help train her domestic workers to be more efficient and better communicate in the English language. But unknown to Betty, Miss Rose has her own agenda.

Eye Candy

 Via

Vignettes from a Work Picnic, Part Two

While I was munching on my veggie burgers, a couple of colleagues were discussing old age and how long they would like to live. One, a mid-fifties white male, said that he has a goal, "a modest goal," to grow old enough that he can pinch "a woman's bottom" without getting in trouble.  He said he was joking, but in the years I've known him, I know he is the type of person who will do what he thinks he can get away with. He'd do it if he could, he just can't get by with it.

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All of this made me think of the late Sen. Strom Thurmond, a republican from South Carolina.  He also served as Governor of South Carolina and ran as a candidate for President under the Dixiecrat banner.

He's 100! United States Army, photo by Jermone Howard

  I interned at the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence during the initial Violence Against Women Act passage.  I attend a few hearings and votes, including one with Sen. Thurmond. However, the candid moments in the halls of Congress give the best indication of a person's moral compass. He was quite a character.

I remember seeing him wheeled to the back of the elevator reserved for members and staff.  Two interns hopped on as the doors were closing.  Sen. Thurmond ogled their young asses, and I bet his shaky, liver-spotted hands were poised for pinching once the door shut.

Elephant Dreams

I was outside my workplace which has a nice courtyard with large mature trees and backs up to a feast or famine branch of the Anacostia River.  I was on a wooden swing hanging from one of these trees and I was swinging back and forth high above the ground. From the river area hundreds of miniature elephants emerged and began walking around underneath me. The biggest ones were the size of a large dog, the smallest the size of a teacup chihuahua. They were beautiful to see, they walked around in large circles. I would twist the swing around so that on each pass I'd be able to look down at them.  Someone else was there with me, and I asked her how many elephants there were. I had tried to count them but was unsuccessful.  She said it did not matter how many there were.  Later I told the elephants not to come back to this place tomorrow because there would be alot of people there.

I remembered this dream when I looked at this post at www.cuteoverload.com

Open Letter to o.b.: Bring the Purple Back!

It has been a sad year or so since the purple has left my life.  I stocked up, but my supply is almost gone.  The super duper purples were perfect for overnight.  Purple is my favorite color.  It really is.  <<sad face>>

I've been a loyal customer since I started puberty.  I've never strayed unless caught in public and forced to bum a tampon off a stranger.

My dearest o.b.:  BRING THE PURPLE BACK!

I want this to be purple.

Vingettes from a Work Picnic

Yesterday we had our annual summer picnic at my lovely workplace.  Some stories:

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Pam and Faye. They sit next to each other. Faye and Pam.  They do very similar jobs.   Pam and Faye. They both talk alot about their grand kids. Faye and Pam. I see them clearly in my mind's eye, but I get their names confused. ALL THE TIME.

I was in charge of a craft activity so I was talking to alot of people and kind of distracted.  I called Pam by the name of Faye twice.  The third person in their section, Joan, said:

"Do all Black people look alike to you?  Can't you tell the difference.  I can tell all you white people apart!"

Joan is my bud, and I always remember her name because I call her Joni Mitchell or Joan Crawford.  I have other coworkers I call by celebrity names. She was joking, but I believe there's always a little truth in jokes. 

My response was "That's so racist."

NPR "That's Racist" 

I'd heard this story on the radio the night before, so that explains my response to Joan. The story plays a clip of a 30 Rock episode in which Liz Lemon thinks Tracey Morgan can't read.  When she confronts him because he was faking illiteracy to get away from the office, he says that assuming he, a black man, was illiterate was racist.  Absolutely hilarious.

More lovely work stories to come.  Next up bottom pinching.

Swell Season Documentary

I'll start off by saying I'm privileged to live near the American Film Institute in Silver Spring, Maryland. I've seen Hollywood classics, remastered film noir,  features by obscure French directors, and South American horror flicks.

One of the AFIs best offerings is the SilverDocs festival.  Last night I attended the encore showing of The Swell Season.  From the SilverDocs press release:

Directed by Nick August-Perna, Carlo Mirabella-Davis and Chris Dapkins, The Swell Season follows musicians Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, Oscar winners for their song "Falling Slowly" from Once, on a two-year tour.

The black-and-file was beautifully shot, and there are nice scenes of Glen with his dog.

I wished it explored the dissolution of the relationship between Glen and Marketa more.  In an interview Marketa talks about how, in the beginning, she followed Glen's lead, adopting his opinions on certain things.  She felt it was time for her to have her own take and more independence. There are a few scenes in which the couple argues.  But if you compare their handling of the relationship to Glen's frankness about his father's alcoholism, it makes the omission all the more striking.  It's their prerogative to keep private information private, but it just left me wondering.

See this movie if you are a big fan of Swell Season or a big fan of behind-the-scenes tour movies. Otherwise, wait for Netflix.

Via

My Good Qualities

1. Humor
2. Physical Health
3. Good Work Ethic
4. Take good care of my dogs
5. Sensitive to animals and others
6. Creative
7. Intelligent
8. Learning Espanol
9. Inquisitive
10. Pay attention to detail
11. Handy around the house
12. Environmentally conscious
13. Frugal
14. Self-sufficient
15. Loyal
16. Trustworthy
17. Committed
18. Explorer
19. Sometimes a risk taker
20. Kind

Boys For Pele

This weekend I listened to Boys for Pele for the first time in over a year.  What pure genius.  The layering of sound, the composition, the changes of tempo, the intricate melodies, the unexpected.  I wonder how one person can come up with this, what force of the universe channeled through her brain and out her hands.

Look Alikes: Christina Hendricks and Peter Paige

Best known as Emmett Honeycut on Queer as Folk and Joan Holloway on Mad Men, I've noticed a resemblance between these two.  The looks their characters give and the chin dimple are what does it for me.

Via

Via

The Tiniest of the Tiny Toads

I found this critter in my backyard.  It was the size of my thumbnail. It strongly disapproved of the whole situation.

Saana

This word came to me in a dream. It is a natural feature of Finland.

A view to Saana and Ala-Kilpisjärvi from the Finnish national road 21 (E8) near Muotkatakka on a frosty day in 2009 February. By Ximonic, Simo Räsänen (Own work)

Does my future hold a climb in Finland?

A Year Later

About a year ago I checked myself into the hospital for treatment of major depressive disorder.  I was in the hospital for 6 days and the out-patient program for almost 2 months. I've struggled with dysthymia and depression since my elementary school years. However in mid 2010, it got to the point I was not able to function.

I feel like I've walked through the fire and come out the other side. Even though I've technically been an adult for over 15 years, I felt like a girl or a "young adult."  Now I feel like a woman with a spine of steel and strength to take on life.

I wanted to celebrate a year of hard work getting myself back on the good path, dealing with painful issues, and learning (slowly) to love myself.  I really don't need any more material possessions.  I have just about everything I want.  I also didn't want to throw a party.  That's just too much work. I've decided to give gifts to the people who have been there for me over the past year:

Coworkers L and D:  A dinner lunch at Joe's Crab Shack on me (done)

Coworker B:  A 16 x 20 framed print of one of my photos (three horses in a field of buttercups) (done)

Former Boss B and his family: A minor league baseball game on me (done.  the evening included a corndog, ice cream, caramel popcorn, a few near misses with foul balls and dozens and dozens of crotch grabs)

Mother: A hummingbird statue for her collection

Hospital Outpatient Program: A box of art supplies so the current patients do not have to make due with crappy colored pencils

My current therapist: A hearty "Thank You" during a session (done)

My current psychiatrist: Another hearty "Thank You"

Friend A: Ultra Juice Green powder.  Well, I'll give him something else too.  I gave him the power because I couldn't hack it.  I'm on the capsules instead.

I'm glad to celebrate this way!